Hello everyone,

And Assalamualaikum. Happy new year !!!

Idk why but I got super excited for 2023. I feel like there is so much thing will happen this year. 2023 will definitely be my year.  

The reason I said that cause I know I have clear goals of what I wanted to achieve this year. And since my mental health is getting better, I finally ready to take charge of my life and the future. I have some 2023 resolution that I thought will be great to achieve. Well actually last year in september I went back home to visit my family. And tbh i feel alot better now. I realized that i just super homesick hence why I was struggling to focus on my future. Now I kinda cure those homesick. It was easier to focus on what really matters now. My heart feel lighter now. I feel like I did what I can to spend time with them. 

When I was in Malaysia, I also realized that I dont want to live in Malaysia. At least not now. Malaysia is different now. Quite costly too. So much traffic. Everytime I went to KL to shopping I just feel suffocated. It's weird cause i used to love big city and shopping and KL is great cause you got so much options. I guess living in little capital like Wellington taught me to live in simplicity. Actually less option is less headache. Time is precious i can used it for much important matters. And also who will ever thought i will miss wellington so much. I miss the routine i have in Wellington. I was quite active and into fitness before i went back to Malaysia. I played badminton weekly, went to dance class, dance fitness, Gym. Suddenly I had to stop everything. So I feel weird. In Malaysia it was bit hard to maintain those lifestyle. And was it weird if i miss walking? In wellington I walked about 7,000-10,000 steps daily. And it's so normal here to walk to everywhere. I do think I am much healthier living in nz.  

It is summer now means more sunshine. More things we can do outdoor. But yeah ever since I came back have to cut down my routine with fitness and socializing. Gotta save some money. I cut my hours in the museum. So i dont really have extra savings. Was hard everytime i build my saving, I have to use it for many other important things like residency visa and flight ticket. Oh btw good things happen in 2022. I got my residency visa. Wuhuuu. So means more years in Nz. Tbh I will be happy if my sister wanted to come to live with me here. I have many friends but still who can replace our family right. Oh and actually in 2022, I also finally wrapped my exhibition that I've been working on for few months. It was super intense but very good experience. And I do learn alot as lead curator. Actually because of that exhibition, I couldn't easily go home to visit family after the border open. It was great to wrapped it nicely and then went back home to just rest and get away. 

Enough bout 2022,

Let me talk bout some of my resolution in 2023. 

1. Get new job 
2. Work on my childhood trauma : see therapist
3. Get Nz driving license
4. Learn new recipe to potluck
5. Learn to confront conflicts 
6. Wear more colours 
7. Meet new people 
8. Spare time for volunteering
9. Start investing
10. Learn to swim
11. Save for auckland

 Hi guys,

Assalamualaikum semua.

Hi saya Ej the writer or this blog. Actually hari ni aku just nak talk about this blog. When it's all started and my motivation of keeping this blog going over the past decades. I started this blog in 2011. So it's been 11 years. Weh omg lama gila aku simpan blog ni. I started writing since high school. Hahaha masa tu 2011 aku PMR. Aku rasa aku takdelah seorang writer pun. Sebab aku tak suka buat essay tapi sebab this blog there is no actual format. There is not limit to how you express yourselves yg buat aku keen to write and share my thoughts. And guys i was a kid who want to be the next fatin liyana, hanis zalikha or even the other khairul hahaha. Zaman tu memang blogger was on the rise. And then baru vlogger, viners naik. 

My initial thought of making this blog sebab memang berangan je lebih. And I've been making this blog like my personal diary sometimes haha which is ridiculous. Sebab aku rasa blog aku memang takde traffic pun. So who will ever read pun. Tapi kelakar bila baca the old post from high school. Nampak lah aku seorang yang selekeh and living in her own world and dreams. Aku tak pernah actually rasa people will ever read this blog but it turns out, there is some traffic which Im very happy even they read 2-3 post from this blog. All i wanted from this blog is to help others and you know maybe inspire you guys with my life's journey. Nowadays I've been sharing lots of my personal life. And It's never about spreading negativity but I want to show you guys the bad and the good in life. Cause after all I'm just an ordinary human being. If i thought that story can inspire others then why not? 

Who will ever thought people will ever reaching me out. Knocking on my email and asking for help and sometimes their words just make me smile. Sometimes they comforted me when i was in the dark. And I'm suprised how much I felt comforted by those stranger's kind words. I'm actually glad that i have this blog to spread positivity  and lift other people spirit. Macam macam gelagat readers. Ada yang bagi ayat skema macam nak send email to menteri pun ada hahaha. Ada yang panggil aku encik sebab dia ingat aku lelaki. Well korang aku tak tau la maybe cara penulisan aku abit confusing. But i want to tell you guys that Im a woman not a girl anymore. Nor a man hahah. Ada yg email aku macam aku ni kawan lama dia. Actually sangat menghiburkan sis. 

I love connecting with new people, and getting to know them is just part of process me getting to know my own values. I can't thank you guys enough for helping me to grow as a person I am today. Life is not always butterflies and rainbows. But like every fairy tale i believe there is a light at the end of those tunnel. Hah gitu. Hahaha aku tak tau asal lately ni aku kuat beranalogy. Maaf la ye. Thanks you guy for supporting me. Im so happy to read you guys email and you guys words motivate me to develop this blog even more. Im actually seriously thought of making youtube channel. I already have one but im not like making specific content. All videos dalam tu was from university project. This time aku nak something more personal. Something with goals to give other people insights and sharing experience. Doa doa kan lah aku. Aku tulis blog ni and keep my journal here cause you know mana tau in future aku publish buku ke. Kira korang my very early readers ah hahahaha. Ceh berangan. Well dreams are free. So why not be a dreamer kan. Anyway itu je kot aku nak borak hari ni. I need to sleep for early work tomorrow. See you guys next time :) 

Assalamualaikum semua, 

How it's going? Im just fine living my life here hustling everyday. I think it's about time to open up. To share my  my lifelong dreams and also concerns. When I was young i have lot things i want to do. But all of that comes with limitation. Because of my background. I came from a working class family. We are not rich nor too poor. But we are struggling everyday. So alot of things i wanted to try always need money in process to achieve that. And our family is quite traditional. I never got supported to do things i wanted. Like i always wanted to learn piano, learn swimming school. And many more childhood dreams that i never got to achieved. 

But now I am an adult I was capable to do all of that. But again money was also a problem. And also time. You spend the whole week to find money to pay for living cost. It is hard. A lot of sacrifices to deal with it. I live in New Zealand right now but Im not like doing a great job finding job. I still living off cleaning a museum. I've been working there for almost a year now. I know it's not what i wanted to do in life. But for the time being working, I think i did grow myself. I did grow my perspective. Into looking to other people's shoes. To be grateful to even see a museum in close proximity. I always said I wanted to make difference. Lately I have been thinking of how to make it happen. 

I feel like i should start a youtube channel. Documenting my life here. I am super broke hahaha. But that doesn't take away my happiness. I think my perspective is so different now. I start to give this city a chance. A chance that I have never willing to give. Today i watched a documentary about people who living in a extreme climate. Surviving in the -71 celcius place. And the person that tells the story is the local who was from that village. It is so inspiring actually. When you say nothing is interesting in your life. I feel like we just need to look around us. Have a sit with yourself and observe. Observe all things around us and widen you perspective. The people in the village able to see the beauty of their place despite that extreme climate they have to overcome. 

There is one quote from the video,

 "After all, there is no such thing as bad weather, there is just weather and your attitude towards it"

That is super fucking deep, I do reflecting on myself on how much i used to despise this windy city, Wellington that I have lived for over past 4 years. I only look at the worst of it and decided to hate it. Just because of the wind. The wind can be so extreme at times and it's so cold. But you know once i started to open up and give this place a chance. I think everything changes. If you can't fight the wind, follow the wind. Embrace the wind. And enjoy the sensation of it. And it's true it is not so bad. It has pros and cons. Your attitude towards it will help you to overcome it. 

I think it's about time to really start to make plans and just do it. I want to visit home next year with plans. Like I know what I am doing in NZ. Everytime people asked me what I am doing right now. I just don't know how to tell them. Cause I wanted to make a difference. I want my work to be inspiring and help others. Cleaning is actually making a difference. But it also was under appreciated. Was looked down especially in my culture. I appreciate this job really change my perspective. I always busy working on project with people. For the first time in my life I working alone and Idk i just developed this introverted intuition. Or Im calling it "perspective". I always have busy life but over the past year I manage to have time with myself. Exploring thoughts and imagination. Reflecting and self-growth i guess. And actually it's not so bad cleaning. I make friends with the team which from diverse background - Cook island, Maori, Columbia, Ethiopia and many more. I talked to them and just you know exchanging stories and cultures. It's super amazing. And i feel like there is so much values in me that i have realized. I love to work to serve others. If my sort of job can make a difference to people in the community I am more than happy.

I dont remember if i share this with you guys, but apart of cleaning. I do have other project i have been working on. I am the project manager for an exhibition for 65th anniversary malaysia and nz bilateral relation. Since I was well known in the malaysian community to make film. I was approached by the Malaysia's ambassador to collaborate on this project. We did a short documentary film last 2 years for independence day. And it was successful and a great experience. Now we collab again for an exhibition and it is super exciting. I want to do this properly cause i feel like a super deep connection with exhibition and museum. The first time i feel like i want to be a part of exhibition when I visited Van Gogh alive from last year. I feel like it's super align with my values to educate and also able to input my creativity on how to present the content to the public. Sometimes i just feel like strongly there is a reason why i was put to clean in the museum. Like i feel like it meant to be. So maybe I will search a job in those area or any social worker job. I thought would be great for me. 

I do have alot of bucket list and plans in future. But the most important in my life right now is this moment. Once i finished the exhibition, i just gotta to start looking new job. Get out from my comfort zones again. And overcome this long anxiety of starting over. You just gotta do it girl. It's hard until you out of it. Bounce back. That is the only way to grow. And you do this so many times and you can fucking do it all again. You bounce back everytime you have reached rock bottom. And now to prove to yourself that you are more than what you thing you are. 

Okay done my pep talk with myself hahaha. Everyone who read this please pray for my well being and my journey to live here. See you guys next time 😊

Assalamualaikum and hi to all my readers.

Miss me? You must be. It's been a while isn't it. There is no post yet since last december. So I thought today's post could be an update of what's been going on. The reason I make this blog not just as a platform to inform my readers but also to myself. It's feels super great feelings to help others, to share my own thoughts without being criticized under socially controlled environment. I been so busy that I have no time to write these days. I need to learn how to balance spending time and energy with people and also spending time with myself. Expressing my thoughts clearly. But yeah life have been good. Positive most of the time. Clearly my life is more structured now. Focusing on what matters. Focusing on the "now" than later :)

Just want to share personal achievement this year 2022. I promise myself to become fitter and healthier for the  most this year not just physically but also mentally. Actually did pretty well. 

1.  I successfully finish a 19.4km day hike to Tongariro Alpine Crossing. One of best walks in NZ. Super grateful to join this trip. Meet some really great & inspiring new people and make a friendship through it. It's a healing walks. Heal from the oppresive thoughts. It's was very calming. And I am very proud that I manage to do it despite just 2 weeks last minute preparation. 

2. I did my first fun 6.5km marathon in life. So why this is such big thing for me? Anyone who know me personally know that I hate running & any forms of exercise. But I did it cause I just want to play football with my friends but my stamina sucks. So I joined them running occcasionally to improve my stamina. And suddenly I just enjoy it more. So I join it once a week now except right now ramadhan so i took a break. Then I joined this marathon just to motivate myself to be out of my comfort zone. It was not perfect but i did well, finished it in an hour. For a beginner that was great. At least for me. And I am determine to join the run again next year. With more positivity. Maybe join a 10km run pulak for october. We would see.

3. I start a casual badminton group the end of last year and still going strong for it every week till now. I was able to manage it for 5 months so far. I am surprise. I thought i would just play this casually but I am suprisingly commited to play it weekly. I never got interested in sports before. Like NEVER. But I don't know, now I think I like it. I think badminton is super addictive. I always go whenever I've got the chance. If anyone wants to play I always keen to come. Super grateful that my circle of friends is just sports/fitness enthusiast. I got to learn few sports technique from them. 

4. I think I got over my depressions. Maybe not fully. Sometimes I am worried. But it was manageable. I know how to manage "that thoughts" now. You know that dark thoughts that came uninvited. I know what my mind and my body needs. I never got properly treated by therapist or anything but I share this journey to my close friends. Sometimes I am stress but good stress. Not the destructive one. I know my mind loves writing cause it's peaceful, expressive and creative . I know my body needs exercise/sports cause it's exciting and fulfilling. I know as an extrovert I need to feed my social needs and also alone time to recharge. I know now the balance. I know to handle my destructive and dark thoughts now. And I'm glad. It's not easy to find the way out. But it is such a grateful journey. 

 5. I have such a great support system now. Living abroad and away from family is hard. Sometimes it's crazy and I was homesick. Conflicted about what was the best. But I have been blessed with this close group of friends of mine. Some very inspiring and supportive people I've ever met in life. Positive mostly. I just got close with this older friends. Miss T and Miss A. They are both fully grown women. I really looked up to them as role model. Both was super confident womrn and always a leader in their heart. Both are good influence to me. They treat me like their sisters. And I am so happy and grateful that god just send them to me. To guide me. I know maybe I seems a little bit lost of which direction I am supposed to go. But i think i am slowly thought about the future now. With a healthier mindset of course and more motivation to accomplish that. 

Oh while we are here maybe I will talk about what I wanted to do in near future not like super super far. So I actually planning to get my residency in New Zealand. I've been living here for abit and can see some future here. For now I would just live for another 2-3 years and we will see where my fate and destiny brings me. I always have plans but sometimes I will improvised or just change it completely if my guy feelings say something about it. I've got a very strong intuition. So that's always my way to make a decision. I know the pros and cons but always will challenge myself if I know I am capable to grow even more. Yeah and before leave New zealand to move on with my life. I was thinking to spend time living in different city like Auckland, Christchurch and Queenstown. Just to explore you know. But yeah my friends just give me this thought that I might can just do photography at queenstown. Since it's has amazing landscape although it quite expensive to live there. But I don't know, I think i dont mind to explore for 2-3 months you know. Oh yeah after New Zealand I will migrate to another country - Australia, Switzerland or I don't know where else. Who knows what's there for me? Out there. The world is out there to be explore The world is limitless. As long as you have that courage to step out there. Step out from your comfort zone.

I know what I want now. I dont mind if my life is not the typical 9-5 life. I know I was destined to be different. To have super unordinary career. 😂

I just hope every step i took is worth every journey. 

Pray for me guys. It's 10 last days fo Ramadhan. Gotta start my engine for prayers and blessings this Holy month. See you guyx next time 😊