Assalamualaikum semua, 

How it's going? Im just fine living my life here hustling everyday. I think it's about time to open up. To share my  my lifelong dreams and also concerns. When I was young i have lot things i want to do. But all of that comes with limitation. Because of my background. I came from a working class family. We are not rich nor too poor. But we are struggling everyday. So alot of things i wanted to try always need money in process to achieve that. And our family is quite traditional. I never got supported to do things i wanted. Like i always wanted to learn piano, learn swimming school. And many more childhood dreams that i never got to achieved. 

But now I am an adult I was capable to do all of that. But again money was also a problem. And also time. You spend the whole week to find money to pay for living cost. It is hard. A lot of sacrifices to deal with it. I live in New Zealand right now but Im not like doing a great job finding job. I still living off cleaning a museum. I've been working there for almost a year now. I know it's not what i wanted to do in life. But for the time being working, I think i did grow myself. I did grow my perspective. Into looking to other people's shoes. To be grateful to even see a museum in close proximity. I always said I wanted to make difference. Lately I have been thinking of how to make it happen. 

I feel like i should start a youtube channel. Documenting my life here. I am super broke hahaha. But that doesn't take away my happiness. I think my perspective is so different now. I start to give this city a chance. A chance that I have never willing to give. Today i watched a documentary about people who living in a extreme climate. Surviving in the -71 celcius place. And the person that tells the story is the local who was from that village. It is so inspiring actually. When you say nothing is interesting in your life. I feel like we just need to look around us. Have a sit with yourself and observe. Observe all things around us and widen you perspective. The people in the village able to see the beauty of their place despite that extreme climate they have to overcome. 

There is one quote from the video,

 "After all, there is no such thing as bad weather, there is just weather and your attitude towards it"

That is super fucking deep, I do reflecting on myself on how much i used to despise this windy city, Wellington that I have lived for over past 4 years. I only look at the worst of it and decided to hate it. Just because of the wind. The wind can be so extreme at times and it's so cold. But you know once i started to open up and give this place a chance. I think everything changes. If you can't fight the wind, follow the wind. Embrace the wind. And enjoy the sensation of it. And it's true it is not so bad. It has pros and cons. Your attitude towards it will help you to overcome it. 

I think it's about time to really start to make plans and just do it. I want to visit home next year with plans. Like I know what I am doing in NZ. Everytime people asked me what I am doing right now. I just don't know how to tell them. Cause I wanted to make a difference. I want my work to be inspiring and help others. Cleaning is actually making a difference. But it also was under appreciated. Was looked down especially in my culture. I appreciate this job really change my perspective. I always busy working on project with people. For the first time in my life I working alone and Idk i just developed this introverted intuition. Or Im calling it "perspective". I always have busy life but over the past year I manage to have time with myself. Exploring thoughts and imagination. Reflecting and self-growth i guess. And actually it's not so bad cleaning. I make friends with the team which from diverse background - Cook island, Maori, Columbia, Ethiopia and many more. I talked to them and just you know exchanging stories and cultures. It's super amazing. And i feel like there is so much values in me that i have realized. I love to work to serve others. If my sort of job can make a difference to people in the community I am more than happy.

I dont remember if i share this with you guys, but apart of cleaning. I do have other project i have been working on. I am the project manager for an exhibition for 65th anniversary malaysia and nz bilateral relation. Since I was well known in the malaysian community to make film. I was approached by the Malaysia's ambassador to collaborate on this project. We did a short documentary film last 2 years for independence day. And it was successful and a great experience. Now we collab again for an exhibition and it is super exciting. I want to do this properly cause i feel like a super deep connection with exhibition and museum. The first time i feel like i want to be a part of exhibition when I visited Van Gogh alive from last year. I feel like it's super align with my values to educate and also able to input my creativity on how to present the content to the public. Sometimes i just feel like strongly there is a reason why i was put to clean in the museum. Like i feel like it meant to be. So maybe I will search a job in those area or any social worker job. I thought would be great for me. 

I do have alot of bucket list and plans in future. But the most important in my life right now is this moment. Once i finished the exhibition, i just gotta to start looking new job. Get out from my comfort zones again. And overcome this long anxiety of starting over. You just gotta do it girl. It's hard until you out of it. Bounce back. That is the only way to grow. And you do this so many times and you can fucking do it all again. You bounce back everytime you have reached rock bottom. And now to prove to yourself that you are more than what you thing you are. 

Okay done my pep talk with myself hahaha. Everyone who read this please pray for my well being and my journey to live here. See you guys next time 😊

Assalamualaikum and hi to all my readers.

Miss me? You must be. It's been a while isn't it. There is no post yet since last december. So I thought today's post could be an update of what's been going on. The reason I make this blog not just as a platform to inform my readers but also to myself. It's feels super great feelings to help others, to share my own thoughts without being criticized under socially controlled environment. I been so busy that I have no time to write these days. I need to learn how to balance spending time and energy with people and also spending time with myself. Expressing my thoughts clearly. But yeah life have been good. Positive most of the time. Clearly my life is more structured now. Focusing on what matters. Focusing on the "now" than later :)

Just want to share personal achievement this year 2022. I promise myself to become fitter and healthier for the  most this year not just physically but also mentally. Actually did pretty well. 

1.  I successfully finish a 19.4km day hike to Tongariro Alpine Crossing. One of best walks in NZ. Super grateful to join this trip. Meet some really great & inspiring new people and make a friendship through it. It's a healing walks. Heal from the oppresive thoughts. It's was very calming. And I am very proud that I manage to do it despite just 2 weeks last minute preparation. 

2. I did my first fun 6.5km marathon in life. So why this is such big thing for me? Anyone who know me personally know that I hate running & any forms of exercise. But I did it cause I just want to play football with my friends but my stamina sucks. So I joined them running occcasionally to improve my stamina. And suddenly I just enjoy it more. So I join it once a week now except right now ramadhan so i took a break. Then I joined this marathon just to motivate myself to be out of my comfort zone. It was not perfect but i did well, finished it in an hour. For a beginner that was great. At least for me. And I am determine to join the run again next year. With more positivity. Maybe join a 10km run pulak for october. We would see.

3. I start a casual badminton group the end of last year and still going strong for it every week till now. I was able to manage it for 5 months so far. I am surprise. I thought i would just play this casually but I am suprisingly commited to play it weekly. I never got interested in sports before. Like NEVER. But I don't know, now I think I like it. I think badminton is super addictive. I always go whenever I've got the chance. If anyone wants to play I always keen to come. Super grateful that my circle of friends is just sports/fitness enthusiast. I got to learn few sports technique from them. 

4. I think I got over my depressions. Maybe not fully. Sometimes I am worried. But it was manageable. I know how to manage "that thoughts" now. You know that dark thoughts that came uninvited. I know what my mind and my body needs. I never got properly treated by therapist or anything but I share this journey to my close friends. Sometimes I am stress but good stress. Not the destructive one. I know my mind loves writing cause it's peaceful, expressive and creative . I know my body needs exercise/sports cause it's exciting and fulfilling. I know as an extrovert I need to feed my social needs and also alone time to recharge. I know now the balance. I know to handle my destructive and dark thoughts now. And I'm glad. It's not easy to find the way out. But it is such a grateful journey. 

 5. I have such a great support system now. Living abroad and away from family is hard. Sometimes it's crazy and I was homesick. Conflicted about what was the best. But I have been blessed with this close group of friends of mine. Some very inspiring and supportive people I've ever met in life. Positive mostly. I just got close with this older friends. Miss T and Miss A. They are both fully grown women. I really looked up to them as role model. Both was super confident womrn and always a leader in their heart. Both are good influence to me. They treat me like their sisters. And I am so happy and grateful that god just send them to me. To guide me. I know maybe I seems a little bit lost of which direction I am supposed to go. But i think i am slowly thought about the future now. With a healthier mindset of course and more motivation to accomplish that. 

Oh while we are here maybe I will talk about what I wanted to do in near future not like super super far. So I actually planning to get my residency in New Zealand. I've been living here for abit and can see some future here. For now I would just live for another 2-3 years and we will see where my fate and destiny brings me. I always have plans but sometimes I will improvised or just change it completely if my guy feelings say something about it. I've got a very strong intuition. So that's always my way to make a decision. I know the pros and cons but always will challenge myself if I know I am capable to grow even more. Yeah and before leave New zealand to move on with my life. I was thinking to spend time living in different city like Auckland, Christchurch and Queenstown. Just to explore you know. But yeah my friends just give me this thought that I might can just do photography at queenstown. Since it's has amazing landscape although it quite expensive to live there. But I don't know, I think i dont mind to explore for 2-3 months you know. Oh yeah after New Zealand I will migrate to another country - Australia, Switzerland or I don't know where else. Who knows what's there for me? Out there. The world is out there to be explore The world is limitless. As long as you have that courage to step out there. Step out from your comfort zone.

I know what I want now. I dont mind if my life is not the typical 9-5 life. I know I was destined to be different. To have super unordinary career. 😂

I just hope every step i took is worth every journey. 

Pray for me guys. It's 10 last days fo Ramadhan. Gotta start my engine for prayers and blessings this Holy month. See you guyx next time 😊

 Hi guys,

Assalamualaikum lama gak sebenarnya tak update blog. It's been pretty good for me lately. Not like anything big but positive feelings and energy surrounded me. Really thankful for that. So after so long finally I feel like really motivated to do stuff again. Like any stuff

When i flashback to those 3 months of depressing thoughts and unmotivated days. Fuhh I finally can say that I somehow know how to overcome it. Like mundane life is not for me. I hate to live and do the same thing everyday. Gotta be honest I'm fucking hate that. So to coming back to my real self. Aku actually try alot of things. Aku change my routine. Kerja tu kerja but i don't focus on the kerja that aku buat sekarang. Sebab the job itself is depressing so I fill my week with activities. I cannot jump into my old very social life balik. Because it's too much and I cannot handle many people at one time banyak2. Because aku pun baru nak recover with my mental health but I am slowly coming back but with more stability and positive energy. What i did instead, I explore activities with myself that I can enjoy without thinking of anything. I find small circle to explore that just to add a little bit fun. 

You know just things that i will never do or just so afraid to do. Like dance and fitness in general. Aku memang suka dance tapi bodo bodo la.. Never to the point that I want to improve in it. But since I started working this job. Actually i lose some weigh sikit so easier for me to kinda move. I really enjoy dance, it does make my daily life fun and energetic. Plus the dance itself really improve my mood. And it just make me feel really good about myself. These days I spend alot of time to plan what I want to do on the weekend. Im so excited when coming to weekend now. Cause I always do something. Right now we just casually start our badminton group for beginners weekly. For now just within our small circle of friends. But well at least, we do something over the weekend. And also it so much fun to do sports with your friends. Anyway all my friends here is so active. That actually really encourage to be more aware of my fitness. I used to spend my weekend at home doing nothing. But with summer coming, I'm just so excited to plan activities to do over the weekend. I really want to feel motivated again. Although i stop looking for jobs because I get so anxiety about it. I tried to take care of my body and my mental health and just generally improve my mood so I can be positive. Im so happy that my flatmates love to join me do activities. I plan on hiking, and badminton play and also I casually joining dance fitness class at local gym in the city. I want to fill my week with activities just you know try to improve stamina and all. On top of that I did some yoga at home to improve my posture and flexibility. For now I just did it alone at home but hopefully in future I will be able to join class in the city.

Actually kat wellington ni there is alot of thing to explore. Like I can join any class I wanted. It's unlimited things to try. And there is so many community support whatever you have interested in. It makes me wondering why I never tried that before. I have lived here for 3.5 years and baru sekarang I really explore this city and try to enjoy different stuff kat sini. Yeahh I am trying really hard right now to find the reason to stay. I am questioning myself everyday about my decision to stay for another year. I am trying to prove myself that there is more this city could give to me. And I shouldn't stop now. I will leave this place when the right time coming. And when me as a person have fully grown with potential and opportunities. It always anxious how the life will turns out. But idk everyone going through it right? Like the process to patch your life. 

Hari tu aku ada like really deep talk with a good friend of mine. Like you know we talked alot and he said this words that one of the thing Im holding to right now. " I am in a good place". A place that I have control of my own will. No one holding me back. Im not saying Malaysia is not a good place but I couldn't say Malaysia is a better place than now. I couldn't see my future yet if I go home without pushing my potential to the extend. I know myself. Im very goal oriented. I will do whatever I want even though it looks like impossible to other people. I just need to believe in myself and have support from people that matters. Everytime i called my mum. She keep asking me to go home. To settle in Malaysia. But yeah my ambition is just to keep exploring. I want to find my own values. I want to find myself and figure out the life I wanted. When i finally find it i know I can be better person from today and do a lot of goods to my family and the society. I dont know when will I found what I wanted. But I know one thing I am ready to explore and going through this adventure. I will show it to my mum.. That this would be worthy. 

Pray for my journey dipermudahkan. I really dont know if anyone baca blog aku ni hahaha. But I just really want to share it in this blog cause this is important moment in my life. To move forward. Good luck to me 😊

 Hi All

and Assalamualaikum to whoever read this. 

Lately I have a lot in my mind. So I will update more often. Yeahh It's been better. Pretty calm in my head and my hearts. The homesick is still there pretty much. But much more stabilize.

Well today is a good day. It is my twin little sister birthday. So after 4 years I was born, we got blessed with some really demanding and challenging a pair of twins that I pretty much raised to be decent human beings now. I'll take credits whenever I can Haha. These days I always thought about home. I was actually haven't really spend anything on my sister's birthday before. But I was glad I did this year. I just thought if I was not able to feel happy with my ownself. Let's just give the other happiness -like my own sister. I always like treats them all the time. Give some gift whenever I visited them from New Zealand. But I rarely celebrate their birthday. Because they always keep it down. So I either forget about it or too busy to catch up. I usually focused on my mom's birthday. The house madam boss need to be treated well. So the harmony of the home will kept at it best.😂

Well what I can say about my little twin sister. I don't have much struggles with them tbh growing up together. They were pretty much decent and I believe it was all because of me and my older brother's behaviour who were often can be seen as problematic and a little bit traumatic to them. Yeah me and my brother were the troubles in the family. We were hot-tempered and unable to be controlled. We were both very different and often clashed. So I think my twin sister just decided to be the harmony pillar of the family. Calm and mysterious. When I was young, My mom spend her all attention to my youngest twin sisters. So me and brother often get left out. We were pretty much took care of ourself. And also a lot of time I have to take care of my sister. Considering how asshole and irresponsible my brother can be. Someone need to be the 2nd mom of the family which is myself.

My youngest twin sister always depends on me all the time. And I was that kind of sister that always get worried if they will not eat. So I have to find food. Every morning I ride my bike to hunt for food. My mom and dad were busy working. So that was mostly the routine. Since young, I have to learn to be independent. Yeah that's me. If I waited for my brother to get the food. We were pretty much would be hit by starvation. So yeah. My mum always worried about them. Cause growing up, I don't really see them have many friends. Unlike me who have too many friends and always out exploring the town. So I think me and my mum sometimes worried about their social life. We always encourage them to go out. While my mum set up for me a curfew cause I cannot stop going out. With my sister, my mum force me to take them out. So I was the one who teach them to use public transport- subway and all. 

I was sometimes worried how they will grow up as an adult. Cause they were too dependent on me and my mum. But as I move to another state to study, I realized they were doing alright. They can be an adult. They need to survive somehow. So they have to learn to be independent. So i have faith that they will be alright anywhere they go. My mum on the other hand a bit more protective and also always worried. She have no problem send me off to New Zealand. But I bet she worried if my sister went to KL to hang out. 😂 That's some difference of how my mum treats me and my sister. I've got freedom. I used to feel maybe if my mum a bit protective of me I will be you know not left out. But nahh as I grow older I was just so glad that mum gives me so much freedom. I have so many sheltered friends that have protective parents. It was so heartbreaking to see them have to struggle to get trust from their parents when they were an adult. So I am just glad my mum trust me with my own decision and everything. I don't even thing my mum will let my sister study abroad. There's no way. She was at first a bit hesitate when I told the news about opportunity to study abroad. She even ignore the topic for a week. But you know, I know my way to get what I want hahaha. And I really believe in the back of her mind, She know that I am really capable of that. I told her that she don't have to worry about money. I got full scholarship. I'll get part time job to support myself with the living costs. And I did it. Work so hard that I even can bought flight ticket to visit them every year.

People saw me and told that I am lucky. Well maybe they need to see how I wakeup in the morning go to class and rush to work afterwards till late night every day.With filming and projects going on, it sure was a hell of living. But I manage to survive cause I don't mind some sacrificing to be where I am today. To finish my degree. Even after graduate, I wakeup at 4am everyday to find money to survive living here without financial support from my mum. Cause I promise my mum that if I make risky decisions and I will work hard for it. I work so damn hard to be able to travel and splurge achieving my bucket list and stuff. People don't see that. They just thought that I am such lucky girl with millions in my bank account. The reality is way far from what they see on social media. 😂

Well this post not suppose to be about me but when talking about independence. I am sure can relate. But yeah my sister turns out well. They just finish studies. One just have part time job right now and the other just finish her internship. They're doing alright. I hope so. With this covid just so annoying that I couldn't even visit them. If I dont want to think about anything, I will just fly home at this moment. But yeah I don't know. I'm still trying to hold myself together. I don't know what's for me in life. But I hope I will be happy. Just that.

That's all for todayy. Hope you guys enjoy my writing. See you again 💕