Hello everyone,

And Assalamualaikum. Happy new year !!!

Idk why but I got super excited for 2023. I feel like there is so much thing will happen this year. 2023 will definitely be my year.  

The reason I said that cause I know I have clear goals of what I wanted to achieve this year. And since my mental health is getting better, I finally ready to take charge of my life and the future. I have some 2023 resolution that I thought will be great to achieve. Well actually last year in september I went back home to visit my family. And tbh i feel alot better now. I realized that i just super homesick hence why I was struggling to focus on my future. Now I kinda cure those homesick. It was easier to focus on what really matters now. My heart feel lighter now. I feel like I did what I can to spend time with them. 

When I was in Malaysia, I also realized that I dont want to live in Malaysia. At least not now. Malaysia is different now. Quite costly too. So much traffic. Everytime I went to KL to shopping I just feel suffocated. It's weird cause i used to love big city and shopping and KL is great cause you got so much options. I guess living in little capital like Wellington taught me to live in simplicity. Actually less option is less headache. Time is precious i can used it for much important matters. And also who will ever thought i will miss wellington so much. I miss the routine i have in Wellington. I was quite active and into fitness before i went back to Malaysia. I played badminton weekly, went to dance class, dance fitness, Gym. Suddenly I had to stop everything. So I feel weird. In Malaysia it was bit hard to maintain those lifestyle. And was it weird if i miss walking? In wellington I walked about 7,000-10,000 steps daily. And it's so normal here to walk to everywhere. I do think I am much healthier living in nz.  

It is summer now means more sunshine. More things we can do outdoor. But yeah ever since I came back have to cut down my routine with fitness and socializing. Gotta save some money. I cut my hours in the museum. So i dont really have extra savings. Was hard everytime i build my saving, I have to use it for many other important things like residency visa and flight ticket. Oh btw good things happen in 2022. I got my residency visa. Wuhuuu. So means more years in Nz. Tbh I will be happy if my sister wanted to come to live with me here. I have many friends but still who can replace our family right. Oh and actually in 2022, I also finally wrapped my exhibition that I've been working on for few months. It was super intense but very good experience. And I do learn alot as lead curator. Actually because of that exhibition, I couldn't easily go home to visit family after the border open. It was great to wrapped it nicely and then went back home to just rest and get away. 

Enough bout 2022,

Let me talk bout some of my resolution in 2023. 

1. Get new job 
2. Work on my childhood trauma : see therapist
3. Get Nz driving license
4. Learn new recipe to potluck
5. Learn to confront conflicts 
6. Wear more colours 
7. Meet new people 
8. Spare time for volunteering
9. Start investing
10. Learn to swim
11. Save for auckland

 Hi guys,

Assalamualaikum semua.

Hi saya Ej the writer or this blog. Actually hari ni aku just nak talk about this blog. When it's all started and my motivation of keeping this blog going over the past decades. I started this blog in 2011. So it's been 11 years. Weh omg lama gila aku simpan blog ni. I started writing since high school. Hahaha masa tu 2011 aku PMR. Aku rasa aku takdelah seorang writer pun. Sebab aku tak suka buat essay tapi sebab this blog there is no actual format. There is not limit to how you express yourselves yg buat aku keen to write and share my thoughts. And guys i was a kid who want to be the next fatin liyana, hanis zalikha or even the other khairul hahaha. Zaman tu memang blogger was on the rise. And then baru vlogger, viners naik. 

My initial thought of making this blog sebab memang berangan je lebih. And I've been making this blog like my personal diary sometimes haha which is ridiculous. Sebab aku rasa blog aku memang takde traffic pun. So who will ever read pun. Tapi kelakar bila baca the old post from high school. Nampak lah aku seorang yang selekeh and living in her own world and dreams. Aku tak pernah actually rasa people will ever read this blog but it turns out, there is some traffic which Im very happy even they read 2-3 post from this blog. All i wanted from this blog is to help others and you know maybe inspire you guys with my life's journey. Nowadays I've been sharing lots of my personal life. And It's never about spreading negativity but I want to show you guys the bad and the good in life. Cause after all I'm just an ordinary human being. If i thought that story can inspire others then why not? 

Who will ever thought people will ever reaching me out. Knocking on my email and asking for help and sometimes their words just make me smile. Sometimes they comforted me when i was in the dark. And I'm suprised how much I felt comforted by those stranger's kind words. I'm actually glad that i have this blog to spread positivity  and lift other people spirit. Macam macam gelagat readers. Ada yang bagi ayat skema macam nak send email to menteri pun ada hahaha. Ada yang panggil aku encik sebab dia ingat aku lelaki. Well korang aku tak tau la maybe cara penulisan aku abit confusing. But i want to tell you guys that Im a woman not a girl anymore. Nor a man hahah. Ada yg email aku macam aku ni kawan lama dia. Actually sangat menghiburkan sis. 

I love connecting with new people, and getting to know them is just part of process me getting to know my own values. I can't thank you guys enough for helping me to grow as a person I am today. Life is not always butterflies and rainbows. But like every fairy tale i believe there is a light at the end of those tunnel. Hah gitu. Hahaha aku tak tau asal lately ni aku kuat beranalogy. Maaf la ye. Thanks you guy for supporting me. Im so happy to read you guys email and you guys words motivate me to develop this blog even more. Im actually seriously thought of making youtube channel. I already have one but im not like making specific content. All videos dalam tu was from university project. This time aku nak something more personal. Something with goals to give other people insights and sharing experience. Doa doa kan lah aku. Aku tulis blog ni and keep my journal here cause you know mana tau in future aku publish buku ke. Kira korang my very early readers ah hahahaha. Ceh berangan. Well dreams are free. So why not be a dreamer kan. Anyway itu je kot aku nak borak hari ni. I need to sleep for early work tomorrow. See you guys next time :) 

Assalamualaikum semua, 

How it's going? Im just fine living my life here hustling everyday. I think it's about time to open up. To share my  my lifelong dreams and also concerns. When I was young i have lot things i want to do. But all of that comes with limitation. Because of my background. I came from a working class family. We are not rich nor too poor. But we are struggling everyday. So alot of things i wanted to try always need money in process to achieve that. And our family is quite traditional. I never got supported to do things i wanted. Like i always wanted to learn piano, learn swimming school. And many more childhood dreams that i never got to achieved. 

But now I am an adult I was capable to do all of that. But again money was also a problem. And also time. You spend the whole week to find money to pay for living cost. It is hard. A lot of sacrifices to deal with it. I live in New Zealand right now but Im not like doing a great job finding job. I still living off cleaning a museum. I've been working there for almost a year now. I know it's not what i wanted to do in life. But for the time being working, I think i did grow myself. I did grow my perspective. Into looking to other people's shoes. To be grateful to even see a museum in close proximity. I always said I wanted to make difference. Lately I have been thinking of how to make it happen. 

I feel like i should start a youtube channel. Documenting my life here. I am super broke hahaha. But that doesn't take away my happiness. I think my perspective is so different now. I start to give this city a chance. A chance that I have never willing to give. Today i watched a documentary about people who living in a extreme climate. Surviving in the -71 celcius place. And the person that tells the story is the local who was from that village. It is so inspiring actually. When you say nothing is interesting in your life. I feel like we just need to look around us. Have a sit with yourself and observe. Observe all things around us and widen you perspective. The people in the village able to see the beauty of their place despite that extreme climate they have to overcome. 

There is one quote from the video,

 "After all, there is no such thing as bad weather, there is just weather and your attitude towards it"

That is super fucking deep, I do reflecting on myself on how much i used to despise this windy city, Wellington that I have lived for over past 4 years. I only look at the worst of it and decided to hate it. Just because of the wind. The wind can be so extreme at times and it's so cold. But you know once i started to open up and give this place a chance. I think everything changes. If you can't fight the wind, follow the wind. Embrace the wind. And enjoy the sensation of it. And it's true it is not so bad. It has pros and cons. Your attitude towards it will help you to overcome it. 

I think it's about time to really start to make plans and just do it. I want to visit home next year with plans. Like I know what I am doing in NZ. Everytime people asked me what I am doing right now. I just don't know how to tell them. Cause I wanted to make a difference. I want my work to be inspiring and help others. Cleaning is actually making a difference. But it also was under appreciated. Was looked down especially in my culture. I appreciate this job really change my perspective. I always busy working on project with people. For the first time in my life I working alone and Idk i just developed this introverted intuition. Or Im calling it "perspective". I always have busy life but over the past year I manage to have time with myself. Exploring thoughts and imagination. Reflecting and self-growth i guess. And actually it's not so bad cleaning. I make friends with the team which from diverse background - Cook island, Maori, Columbia, Ethiopia and many more. I talked to them and just you know exchanging stories and cultures. It's super amazing. And i feel like there is so much values in me that i have realized. I love to work to serve others. If my sort of job can make a difference to people in the community I am more than happy.

I dont remember if i share this with you guys, but apart of cleaning. I do have other project i have been working on. I am the project manager for an exhibition for 65th anniversary malaysia and nz bilateral relation. Since I was well known in the malaysian community to make film. I was approached by the Malaysia's ambassador to collaborate on this project. We did a short documentary film last 2 years for independence day. And it was successful and a great experience. Now we collab again for an exhibition and it is super exciting. I want to do this properly cause i feel like a super deep connection with exhibition and museum. The first time i feel like i want to be a part of exhibition when I visited Van Gogh alive from last year. I feel like it's super align with my values to educate and also able to input my creativity on how to present the content to the public. Sometimes i just feel like strongly there is a reason why i was put to clean in the museum. Like i feel like it meant to be. So maybe I will search a job in those area or any social worker job. I thought would be great for me. 

I do have alot of bucket list and plans in future. But the most important in my life right now is this moment. Once i finished the exhibition, i just gotta to start looking new job. Get out from my comfort zones again. And overcome this long anxiety of starting over. You just gotta do it girl. It's hard until you out of it. Bounce back. That is the only way to grow. And you do this so many times and you can fucking do it all again. You bounce back everytime you have reached rock bottom. And now to prove to yourself that you are more than what you thing you are. 

Okay done my pep talk with myself hahaha. Everyone who read this please pray for my well being and my journey to live here. See you guys next time 😊

Assalamualaikum and hi to all my readers.

Miss me? You must be. It's been a while isn't it. There is no post yet since last december. So I thought today's post could be an update of what's been going on. The reason I make this blog not just as a platform to inform my readers but also to myself. It's feels super great feelings to help others, to share my own thoughts without being criticized under socially controlled environment. I been so busy that I have no time to write these days. I need to learn how to balance spending time and energy with people and also spending time with myself. Expressing my thoughts clearly. But yeah life have been good. Positive most of the time. Clearly my life is more structured now. Focusing on what matters. Focusing on the "now" than later :)

Just want to share personal achievement this year 2022. I promise myself to become fitter and healthier for the  most this year not just physically but also mentally. Actually did pretty well. 

1.  I successfully finish a 19.4km day hike to Tongariro Alpine Crossing. One of best walks in NZ. Super grateful to join this trip. Meet some really great & inspiring new people and make a friendship through it. It's a healing walks. Heal from the oppresive thoughts. It's was very calming. And I am very proud that I manage to do it despite just 2 weeks last minute preparation. 

2. I did my first fun 6.5km marathon in life. So why this is such big thing for me? Anyone who know me personally know that I hate running & any forms of exercise. But I did it cause I just want to play football with my friends but my stamina sucks. So I joined them running occcasionally to improve my stamina. And suddenly I just enjoy it more. So I join it once a week now except right now ramadhan so i took a break. Then I joined this marathon just to motivate myself to be out of my comfort zone. It was not perfect but i did well, finished it in an hour. For a beginner that was great. At least for me. And I am determine to join the run again next year. With more positivity. Maybe join a 10km run pulak for october. We would see.

3. I start a casual badminton group the end of last year and still going strong for it every week till now. I was able to manage it for 5 months so far. I am surprise. I thought i would just play this casually but I am suprisingly commited to play it weekly. I never got interested in sports before. Like NEVER. But I don't know, now I think I like it. I think badminton is super addictive. I always go whenever I've got the chance. If anyone wants to play I always keen to come. Super grateful that my circle of friends is just sports/fitness enthusiast. I got to learn few sports technique from them. 

4. I think I got over my depressions. Maybe not fully. Sometimes I am worried. But it was manageable. I know how to manage "that thoughts" now. You know that dark thoughts that came uninvited. I know what my mind and my body needs. I never got properly treated by therapist or anything but I share this journey to my close friends. Sometimes I am stress but good stress. Not the destructive one. I know my mind loves writing cause it's peaceful, expressive and creative . I know my body needs exercise/sports cause it's exciting and fulfilling. I know as an extrovert I need to feed my social needs and also alone time to recharge. I know now the balance. I know to handle my destructive and dark thoughts now. And I'm glad. It's not easy to find the way out. But it is such a grateful journey. 

 5. I have such a great support system now. Living abroad and away from family is hard. Sometimes it's crazy and I was homesick. Conflicted about what was the best. But I have been blessed with this close group of friends of mine. Some very inspiring and supportive people I've ever met in life. Positive mostly. I just got close with this older friends. Miss T and Miss A. They are both fully grown women. I really looked up to them as role model. Both was super confident womrn and always a leader in their heart. Both are good influence to me. They treat me like their sisters. And I am so happy and grateful that god just send them to me. To guide me. I know maybe I seems a little bit lost of which direction I am supposed to go. But i think i am slowly thought about the future now. With a healthier mindset of course and more motivation to accomplish that. 

Oh while we are here maybe I will talk about what I wanted to do in near future not like super super far. So I actually planning to get my residency in New Zealand. I've been living here for abit and can see some future here. For now I would just live for another 2-3 years and we will see where my fate and destiny brings me. I always have plans but sometimes I will improvised or just change it completely if my guy feelings say something about it. I've got a very strong intuition. So that's always my way to make a decision. I know the pros and cons but always will challenge myself if I know I am capable to grow even more. Yeah and before leave New zealand to move on with my life. I was thinking to spend time living in different city like Auckland, Christchurch and Queenstown. Just to explore you know. But yeah my friends just give me this thought that I might can just do photography at queenstown. Since it's has amazing landscape although it quite expensive to live there. But I don't know, I think i dont mind to explore for 2-3 months you know. Oh yeah after New Zealand I will migrate to another country - Australia, Switzerland or I don't know where else. Who knows what's there for me? Out there. The world is out there to be explore The world is limitless. As long as you have that courage to step out there. Step out from your comfort zone.

I know what I want now. I dont mind if my life is not the typical 9-5 life. I know I was destined to be different. To have super unordinary career. 😂

I just hope every step i took is worth every journey. 

Pray for me guys. It's 10 last days fo Ramadhan. Gotta start my engine for prayers and blessings this Holy month. See you guyx next time 😊

 Hi guys,

Assalamualaikum lama gak sebenarnya tak update blog. It's been pretty good for me lately. Not like anything big but positive feelings and energy surrounded me. Really thankful for that. So after so long finally I feel like really motivated to do stuff again. Like any stuff

When i flashback to those 3 months of depressing thoughts and unmotivated days. Fuhh I finally can say that I somehow know how to overcome it. Like mundane life is not for me. I hate to live and do the same thing everyday. Gotta be honest I'm fucking hate that. So to coming back to my real self. Aku actually try alot of things. Aku change my routine. Kerja tu kerja but i don't focus on the kerja that aku buat sekarang. Sebab the job itself is depressing so I fill my week with activities. I cannot jump into my old very social life balik. Because it's too much and I cannot handle many people at one time banyak2. Because aku pun baru nak recover with my mental health but I am slowly coming back but with more stability and positive energy. What i did instead, I explore activities with myself that I can enjoy without thinking of anything. I find small circle to explore that just to add a little bit fun. 

You know just things that i will never do or just so afraid to do. Like dance and fitness in general. Aku memang suka dance tapi bodo bodo la.. Never to the point that I want to improve in it. But since I started working this job. Actually i lose some weigh sikit so easier for me to kinda move. I really enjoy dance, it does make my daily life fun and energetic. Plus the dance itself really improve my mood. And it just make me feel really good about myself. These days I spend alot of time to plan what I want to do on the weekend. Im so excited when coming to weekend now. Cause I always do something. Right now we just casually start our badminton group for beginners weekly. For now just within our small circle of friends. But well at least, we do something over the weekend. And also it so much fun to do sports with your friends. Anyway all my friends here is so active. That actually really encourage to be more aware of my fitness. I used to spend my weekend at home doing nothing. But with summer coming, I'm just so excited to plan activities to do over the weekend. I really want to feel motivated again. Although i stop looking for jobs because I get so anxiety about it. I tried to take care of my body and my mental health and just generally improve my mood so I can be positive. Im so happy that my flatmates love to join me do activities. I plan on hiking, and badminton play and also I casually joining dance fitness class at local gym in the city. I want to fill my week with activities just you know try to improve stamina and all. On top of that I did some yoga at home to improve my posture and flexibility. For now I just did it alone at home but hopefully in future I will be able to join class in the city.

Actually kat wellington ni there is alot of thing to explore. Like I can join any class I wanted. It's unlimited things to try. And there is so many community support whatever you have interested in. It makes me wondering why I never tried that before. I have lived here for 3.5 years and baru sekarang I really explore this city and try to enjoy different stuff kat sini. Yeahh I am trying really hard right now to find the reason to stay. I am questioning myself everyday about my decision to stay for another year. I am trying to prove myself that there is more this city could give to me. And I shouldn't stop now. I will leave this place when the right time coming. And when me as a person have fully grown with potential and opportunities. It always anxious how the life will turns out. But idk everyone going through it right? Like the process to patch your life. 

Hari tu aku ada like really deep talk with a good friend of mine. Like you know we talked alot and he said this words that one of the thing Im holding to right now. " I am in a good place". A place that I have control of my own will. No one holding me back. Im not saying Malaysia is not a good place but I couldn't say Malaysia is a better place than now. I couldn't see my future yet if I go home without pushing my potential to the extend. I know myself. Im very goal oriented. I will do whatever I want even though it looks like impossible to other people. I just need to believe in myself and have support from people that matters. Everytime i called my mum. She keep asking me to go home. To settle in Malaysia. But yeah my ambition is just to keep exploring. I want to find my own values. I want to find myself and figure out the life I wanted. When i finally find it i know I can be better person from today and do a lot of goods to my family and the society. I dont know when will I found what I wanted. But I know one thing I am ready to explore and going through this adventure. I will show it to my mum.. That this would be worthy. 

Pray for my journey dipermudahkan. I really dont know if anyone baca blog aku ni hahaha. But I just really want to share it in this blog cause this is important moment in my life. To move forward. Good luck to me 😊

 Hi All

and Assalamualaikum to whoever read this. 

Lately I have a lot in my mind. So I will update more often. Yeahh It's been better. Pretty calm in my head and my hearts. The homesick is still there pretty much. But much more stabilize.

Well today is a good day. It is my twin little sister birthday. So after 4 years I was born, we got blessed with some really demanding and challenging a pair of twins that I pretty much raised to be decent human beings now. I'll take credits whenever I can Haha. These days I always thought about home. I was actually haven't really spend anything on my sister's birthday before. But I was glad I did this year. I just thought if I was not able to feel happy with my ownself. Let's just give the other happiness -like my own sister. I always like treats them all the time. Give some gift whenever I visited them from New Zealand. But I rarely celebrate their birthday. Because they always keep it down. So I either forget about it or too busy to catch up. I usually focused on my mom's birthday. The house madam boss need to be treated well. So the harmony of the home will kept at it best.😂

Well what I can say about my little twin sister. I don't have much struggles with them tbh growing up together. They were pretty much decent and I believe it was all because of me and my older brother's behaviour who were often can be seen as problematic and a little bit traumatic to them. Yeah me and my brother were the troubles in the family. We were hot-tempered and unable to be controlled. We were both very different and often clashed. So I think my twin sister just decided to be the harmony pillar of the family. Calm and mysterious. When I was young, My mom spend her all attention to my youngest twin sisters. So me and brother often get left out. We were pretty much took care of ourself. And also a lot of time I have to take care of my sister. Considering how asshole and irresponsible my brother can be. Someone need to be the 2nd mom of the family which is myself.

My youngest twin sister always depends on me all the time. And I was that kind of sister that always get worried if they will not eat. So I have to find food. Every morning I ride my bike to hunt for food. My mom and dad were busy working. So that was mostly the routine. Since young, I have to learn to be independent. Yeah that's me. If I waited for my brother to get the food. We were pretty much would be hit by starvation. So yeah. My mum always worried about them. Cause growing up, I don't really see them have many friends. Unlike me who have too many friends and always out exploring the town. So I think me and my mum sometimes worried about their social life. We always encourage them to go out. While my mum set up for me a curfew cause I cannot stop going out. With my sister, my mum force me to take them out. So I was the one who teach them to use public transport- subway and all. 

I was sometimes worried how they will grow up as an adult. Cause they were too dependent on me and my mum. But as I move to another state to study, I realized they were doing alright. They can be an adult. They need to survive somehow. So they have to learn to be independent. So i have faith that they will be alright anywhere they go. My mum on the other hand a bit more protective and also always worried. She have no problem send me off to New Zealand. But I bet she worried if my sister went to KL to hang out. 😂 That's some difference of how my mum treats me and my sister. I've got freedom. I used to feel maybe if my mum a bit protective of me I will be you know not left out. But nahh as I grow older I was just so glad that mum gives me so much freedom. I have so many sheltered friends that have protective parents. It was so heartbreaking to see them have to struggle to get trust from their parents when they were an adult. So I am just glad my mum trust me with my own decision and everything. I don't even thing my mum will let my sister study abroad. There's no way. She was at first a bit hesitate when I told the news about opportunity to study abroad. She even ignore the topic for a week. But you know, I know my way to get what I want hahaha. And I really believe in the back of her mind, She know that I am really capable of that. I told her that she don't have to worry about money. I got full scholarship. I'll get part time job to support myself with the living costs. And I did it. Work so hard that I even can bought flight ticket to visit them every year.

People saw me and told that I am lucky. Well maybe they need to see how I wakeup in the morning go to class and rush to work afterwards till late night every day.With filming and projects going on, it sure was a hell of living. But I manage to survive cause I don't mind some sacrificing to be where I am today. To finish my degree. Even after graduate, I wakeup at 4am everyday to find money to survive living here without financial support from my mum. Cause I promise my mum that if I make risky decisions and I will work hard for it. I work so damn hard to be able to travel and splurge achieving my bucket list and stuff. People don't see that. They just thought that I am such lucky girl with millions in my bank account. The reality is way far from what they see on social media. 😂

Well this post not suppose to be about me but when talking about independence. I am sure can relate. But yeah my sister turns out well. They just finish studies. One just have part time job right now and the other just finish her internship. They're doing alright. I hope so. With this covid just so annoying that I couldn't even visit them. If I dont want to think about anything, I will just fly home at this moment. But yeah I don't know. I'm still trying to hold myself together. I don't know what's for me in life. But I hope I will be happy. Just that.

That's all for todayy. Hope you guys enjoy my writing. See you again 💕

Hi guys

Assalamualaikum :) 

It's been few weeks after the past depression post. I've been better now. Although it was quite hard. I barely holding myself together. I realized that I was too worried about my goals that I forgot my ownself. My own values, my upbringing, even my faith. 

There so many time, I went to the waterfront near my workplace. I sit there alone and starring at people passing by. I see the blue sky and then I just burst into tears. Even while working, I was crying again and again. I was really in an unstable emotional state. The worst part was that I don't understand why I cry. Sometimes i hold my fist to be stabilize my emotion. These days I just write alot. Cause it's the only way for me to express my thoughts. When you talk with people, a lot of times that you afraid they will not understand or they will come with some sorts of judgement. So I know with writing I can let it out without judgement. Be my ownself and embrace my own feelings. I even found new talents while I was in depression mode. I learn to write songs. I found that it was really calming and exciting for me to express myself in my own words. 

I always found music as my company. When I was sad, happy. It always there with me. I love to explore music. I listen to a lot of R&B, indie and rap songs. Maybe live in depression not so bad right? I mean I will never able to let those words come out in form of songs if I am not depressed. I will not able to relate with those feelings. Those words/ lines that I wrote comes from those unknown and complicated thoughts. 

I am actually grateful that I have a good friends surrounded me. That always asked me how am I doing. Although sometimes I just push them away. Or just simply isolate myself. But in the back of my mind. I know they have my back. It's not that I want to push them away, Cause I truly not comfortable to show people this side of me. This unstable and emotional me. Not many people can handle it. So I just keep it to myself most of the time. 

I am trying right now really hard. Im praying harder now. Im looking for inner peace. I hope God will see how hard I want to be me again. All those my upbringing, I will put it back in my heart. I think I forgot too much. I want to explore so much and I forgot the basic. I forgot the foundation. So Im going to start with the basic again. Focus on my relationship with god. Helping people around me. Be kind to one and another. Not to compare your own values and life with others. I know I am different. My thinking, my upbringing, my goals. I know I have so many talents. I know I got skills. I know I'm a good person. I know I really care about people that matters. I hope you won't forget who you are. A girl that can change the world, a girl that can give so much to others, a girl with her new own perspective. 

Your dad is waiting for you at a better place. He is proud of you. He knows his little girl is growing up to be someone that important to the society. He see you girl. From a better place 🙂

 Assalamualaikum,

Hi everyone what's good. Firstly just want to say salam ramadhan to everyone and soon Happy eid Mubarak to all muslim brothers and sisters who read this post. So tadi aku just tengok live announcement raya kat NZ so kitorang kena puasa lagi besok last and Eid will fall on Friday. Tapi it's all good, i suppose to cook for raya tonight tapi besok la nampaknya kita akan bertungkus lumus.

Well it's 3 years celebrating raya abroad. It was weird to be honest because I getting quite used to it. Sometimes I love the simplicity of it because no hassle to find new baju raya or tudung raya. You just wear what you have in the back of your closet. I felt like i more focusing on what to cook on malam raya. So at least we got the food raya morning hahaha. The best part kalau sambut kt malaysia yang masak masak raya ni selalu ibu-ibu kita haha. Ni duduk negara orang semua lauk raya aku dah reti masak. Bagus kan hahaha. Kalau tak sampai bila tak reti masak rendang. Also although we raya without our family, we got each other back. The malaysian community are really together when it comes to celebrate eid. And I would say this year is the best Ramadhan experience for me. Cause i got to focus on myself and also got to do a lot volunteering on this holy month and spend time with people. Masa i study dulu banyak masa i habis working on uni project so I takde masa nak really feel the warmth and sweetness of Ramadhan. This year i went to many iftar and help the community a lot. Meeting and hang out with the community. It's such a blessed opportunity. My flatmates also are really positive people we always tarawikh together and it makes me feel really like home. You know rezeki bulan Ramadhan sangat melimpah ruah. Ada je makanan free sampai rumah. Like I am so grateful. 

The start of this year is really tough on me. But I somehow got better. It's all really thanks to support from people around me. My friends here really help me get out from those depressing period. Moving to new place really shine the light to my life. Surrounded by supportive flatmates and friends. I want to feel loved again. And I do learn that when we in trouble we don't always have to keep it to yourself. Reaching out to people doesn't mean you a burden to anyone. It's okay to be vulnerable. Sometimes you got talk about it. Let it go and move on. Find the right person to talk about it rather than keep it all alone. Yeah today I just read my old post and then i realised the progress I have in my life. There was up and down. It's also interesting to see myself from 5 years ago. Literally the same as today. Struggling to find the job after graduate. But Idk i kind of realise something. The fact the we never know what future holds for us. 

One step takes another. 5 years ago when i have no intention to further my study, and then i got offer to study abroad. And now i have successfully graduated and right now try to patch my career again. It's always anxious how it all turns out but I know I believe in myself. I believe whatever job i been doing later in my life I will be doing my best on it. There are a few dreams. I want to start my own social organization probably NGO to help people in need. I never did volunteering masa kt malaysia. Tapi bila I move here, got interest in documentary and idk I just love the feeling of be able to help others. I start to reaching out community and offer my help. While I was working on a documentary with Malaysian embassy got in contact with The sikh community leaders that active in distributing free food to anyone in need. I go there few times to help. Love the compassion they show and idk really glad to meet them in my life. Since i met them i been thinking about the idea of starting to involve in social work. Right now i just do it casually. I really want to learn more about it and hopefully be able to do it in future. My one of the lecturer said she really proud of how i turn out since the last 3 years. I did learn a lot from this experiences not just from Massey. I felt like coming here is the best decision I ever make. It's so crazy at one time also so worthy at the end. It is totally life changing. I found new interest that i never thought i would found before. I don't really know what exactly i want. I just kinda pick anything I found throughout this journey and just following my instinct and what my heart told me to do. I don't even think i would stay in NZ after graduate. It's all just sort of happening. The timing and all. 

Now i got the part time job to at least pay my rent. I started to fill my time here and there with creative project that I could possibly do. I tried to be positive and just do the best I can. My good friend from uni keep asking me to go to networking events haha. Truthfully I don't have the best impression of going to networking events. Cause the first time i went it so sucks and awkward. The worst ever. And then I filled up my courage to go to another networking events outside uni and it was good. It feels so good. I feel like I am fire, totally nailed it. Got to exchange Linkedin and contact with few people. You know although it's not getting a job but networking is another way to find potential collaborator in future. Creative projects is all about finding the right team or partner. I just tried to put myself out there. It doesn't have to be perfect.

Yeah I think I'm alright for now. I tried to get 2nd part time job just to get enough to save some money before going back for good. But who knows what future holds for me. If there is opportunity, I'm willing to grab it. I know I am destined for something bigger something great for the community. But yeah which steps that I will took is still the question. I hope that everyone who read this wish me luck and pray for my rezeki. I will keep sharing story and experience when I have time. But yeah really love to hear from you guys. Drop me a message at facebook or instagram and i promise i treat you like a friend :)

Lots of Love from New Zealand

Salam dari perantauan to all my malaysian fellows. Happy quarantine :)

IG : eqa.jamal
FB : Eqa Jamal

 Hi Assalamualaikum,

Salam sejahtera dan Salam 1 Malaysia. Bersama saya Eqa melaporkan dari New Zealand secara langsung ke Astro Awani.

Hahaha apa macam okay tak aku jadi news reporter. You know what, suprisingly i ada la jugak consider news reporter as career path despite its own challenges. Tapi yeah takpe kan berangan.

Okay guyss what's up. So today aku nak tells my fun and nightmare stories about my part time job in New Zealand. I have done the Malaysian version of it in the past, but you know time flies so fast that I've got time now to tell part of stories in my life. Anyway sorry kalau this post macam sangat ma-nglish. I guess that's how I am now a very rojak Malaysian.

Okay masa first year aku datang New Zealand, I always wanted to have a part time job. But I waited till my 2nd year to get one just because aku nak fokus belajar first year and you know just try adapting myself with this whole new system of education and lifestyle sini.

So masa second year aku pun hunting part time job and alhamdulillah dapat kerja kat 1 Malaysia stall at food court ni. Aku also ada others few part time job aku buat kat sana. You know living cost tinggi and I want to live a decent life - travelling, shopping. So I worked hard for it. Without further ado, let's get to the point.

1) Malaysian food Stall @ Food court

Pada 1 hari yang indah aku pergi beli makanan kat food court ni. And idk masa tu aku macam terdetik hati untuk tanya whether they needed helper tak that time. Terus bos tu hire aku and aku start la kerja kat situ. I think I stay about a year and a half. I love working surrounding food, I guess korang yg baca my old post tau yg aku dulu kerja pizzahut and thai restaurant. I really enjoy kerja pizza despite their stupid low capitalist wages. 

Tempat tu kecik je it just a standard food court punya stall. Ada 2 lot. Kitorang jual all kinds of malaysian food. Ada roti canai, roti tissue, nasi lemak, nasi briyani, mee goreng, rendang daging and all sorts of Malaysian food. It was really fun to see local - Mat salleh enjoying our beloved malaysian food. I never tau being so proud of being Malaysian. I just realized how precious our food are especially when I moved here. Itu lah orang kata benda dulu depan mata tak reti appreciate, bila benda dah takde baru nak mencari-cari. 

You know what's funny, I felt like malaysian desire to go abroad so much and then when they sampai sana they still looking for Malaysian food balik. Guess what, cause our food is unbeatable. Really. I always looking for Malaysian food for my lunch. I guess a bit part of myself yg traditional ni still ada and I have pride at Malaysian food.

What i love the most about the food stall is the boss is so kind. He always let me bring back food home. Sometimes a lot. And I always munching peanut while I was working haha for snacking. I used to being a kitchen assistant at pizzahut so I guess I okay je do all the kitchen prep. For me it's really a chill job. Tapi time busy memang busy la. And also senang nak solat sbb owner malay so dorg paham. That is one of the job I really sayang and have to quit sebab they have to  closed down because of covid. Really sad for it to be happen. I mean kalau tak best why would I stay for a year and a half. Their food is really authentic malaysian food. Owner pulak orang johor so I mmg suka gila ah food kat situ. 

Manis moment and bad moments pun ada tapi sbb owner aku jenis yg tak toxic so If it's just one worker toxic dia tak effect sgt compare tu boss yang toxic. You know what I mean. Best part ah kerja situ aku belajar masak and kitchen prep. I learn about being efficient in preparing food. I really want to thank cik yazid and achik to teach me a lot. Achik yg banyak bagi wise advice and never once being petty to share me cooking skills. And Cik Yazid yang always layan my weird story although dia malas nak layan tp still angguk dengar aku sembang. Also dia sabar je dgn perangai clumsy aku yg tak pernah ingat muka customer. And also Mak Itam yang felt like a mother to me. I always thought you guys like my family. I definitely will visit you guys in Malaysia soon. Nasib baik kampung aku dekat je dengan dorang. 

Thanks la Cik yazid for hiring me, I know I am such a headache but really, thanks for accepting me as who I am.

2) Cleaning 11 tingkat office building

Okay guyss. I told you guys I've got few others places I have been working since I've live in NZ. So aku kerja sini time end of my 2nd year and during summer break. Aku tahan 4 months je.

Here's why :

- They give me 3 hrs and 15 min to clean the whole building. So basically the building ada 11 tingkat. But ada 4 orang pekerja. Setiap orang buat 1 chores. Whether it's vaccuming, clean toilet, wiping or clean kitchen. But 1 chores for the whole level. Even if there is deep cleaning needed they don't even give us extra hours which is extra sucks.

- Always have not enough supplies and we have to figure out how to keep everything in stock. Kena topup tissue everyday sbb apparently dorang pakai tissue system macam tu. Yang very incovenient. Should just toilet rolls instead. 

- Work division was hardcore unfair. We have 1 supervisor and 3 staff. Yang aku tak puas hatinya. Supervisor aku really cut corners and do the easiest scores which is wiping table je. Bukan wipe tingkap ke cermin. It's really not fair and he didn't even help his subordinate when we needed. He just arah other staff to help even other staff have already full on their plates. I really hate him so much for doing that. It's really hard to explain to him our concern sbb macam cakap dengan spender basah. Btw he's from india and really stubborn. Idk la but i hear It's really need strong head to work with Indian. They just really stubborn. Not try to be racist but I have top be careful afterwards. Not everyone obviously but tu lah. Haih And aku with another staff je yg have to switch chores every week. So whether aku buat vaccum or clean toilet

- Manager is useless. Me and another staff which is actually my friend try to talk with her and express our complaints about the supervisor tapi sbb dua dua sama bangsa sama india. Cakap dengan dia sama je macam cakap dengan spender basah. Tak bergerak macam tu je. What worse when manager try to take side on the supervisor which idk what you thinking mam. Kau tak kerja dgn dia, Kitorg staff yang kena tahan hari-hari. Thank god it's just 5 days a week. And also aku pernah eh sakit period cramp so dalam policy company boleh je inform manager kalau takleh dtg sbb sakit in less than 4hrs before. So aku inform within that time. Guess what dia cakap just try to wait for period cramp to be okay and kalau okay datang je la kerja. I was so speechless, so aku cakap aku rasa aku mmg takleh dtg since aku tak larat. Dia still insist to call like an hour before work pastu aku cakap aku memang takleh baru dia mengalah jugak. Like hellooooo where is your common sense. I get kau tak cukup org but you the manager there must be backup and better system when this happens. There is so many bad things about thsi company and how they actually manage their staff. Fucking unbelievable

- Crazy amount of work : Okay bila aku cakap crazy I really mean this. 1 person to clean 33 toilet in 3 hours. Tell me how it's not crazy. On top of that they demand a deep cleaning for 2 lvl at least for everyday which taking more times. I punya nak adapt tu sampai I have to clean 1 toilet in only 5 min which is macam lunatic. Nak kena topup tissue lagi like kau gila ke. I have only have total of 15 min for 1 toilet men and ladies and then OKU toilet. Kalau terlebih masa I will be running out of time. As soon i finish one lvl i have to run like I was in fucking marathon to get to the lift with my big ass loaded trolley. Sorry ah aku swearing tapi bila ingat balik camne tah aku tahan. 

- Itu toilet punya cerita. While kalau kau on vaccuming. Kau kena help org toilet collect all the toilet trash from the whole building. This take at least 30 min and you have to run again like a fucking marathon. Baru we can start our own job. See la macam mana tak gila.  Lepas habis to kena vaccum emergency stairs the whole building pulak. Dah tu supervisor aku buat apa. Bawak perut je kehulu hilir. Dia selalu bagi alasan tak cukup masa nak supervise. Luls I bet he even checked our own work. I don't even know what he was doing, sbb dia selalu siap awal and lepak kt room. Vaccum pulak office of course la kena check 1-1 bawah table dorg. Mula2 aku kerja situ aku rasa macam this is fucking impossible, tapi idk how I cuba jugak buat. Tapi memang penat takyah cakap macam haram. Aku rasa aku lose weight gak ah. Balik je rumah kaki aku macam menggeletar nak jalan pun susah. Obviously company ni mmg gila labour abuse. Nasib aku tak report je kat Jabatan buruh sini. Bila aku cerita kat orang pasal job ni no one can believe their ears. 

- So my tips kalau nak cari kerja cleaning at least find 4 hrs min and ask them how big is the building. Cause I can say all cleaning job is a very physical job and need set of standard fitness to be able to cope. Anyway different company different policy. 

Btw on top of these crazy job I also kerja kat malaysian food stall in the morning and this cleaning job at night during summer. Literally my life just being so pathetic to find money to survive. Tapi aku happy sebab dgn duit ni la aku mampu nak balik malaysia every year and visit my family and also bring back gift for the. I also grateful that I able to help my family when dorg susah. 

And then guess what aku berhenti and balik Malaysia for few months and then Covid happens. Aku mmg dah stop kerja cleaning tu sbb hardcore sangat. But still keep the food court job. Since nanti aku nak study dah I can only manage 1 job at a time. Adalah kerja sampai around march ke april. Pastu Lockdown hahahahaha. Dan saya pun tanam anggur for about a year. Yeah a year without income. Nasib Mara ada tapi kena ikat perut la. Korang yang eager sangat nak gi abroad ni you guys need to know the reality. It is tough. Apa yang org study abroad semua share apa yang desirable je kat social media. That's why our mentality thought it is better out there. It is better yes if you look at the high living wages but also high living cost. I don't even have to say how much I pay for the rent. You guys can google it by yourselves. It's crazy. 

Citer dia memang la it's 3 times bigger currency dari malaysia. Dah tu bila kau duduk sini kau still kena beli all groceries and necessities and berapa je kau boleh saving. Boleh kalau kau tak beli apa apa. Just ikat je la perut. Bagi aku rugi dah dtg jauh2 tapi tak explore negara ni. Tak travel and it's such a waste. You have no idea how beautiful New Zealand. It's another whole universe of nature. Whether is wild or not. It's fascinating. My best view i will say Ruapehu snow mountain and Sunset at the Wharariki Beach. It's so beautiful. Bagi aku nature kat new zealand ni is so untouchable. They do really care about the environment. Things that we should try to incorporate it back home.

So while aku stop kerja for while I've got to focused more on my final year as a film student. Sumpah challenging. You have no idea to shoot during pandemic camne. Dah la buat documentary. Pening sis, anyway it was a great success. I will talk about it in a different post and yeah just talked about it. Btw kerja aku tak habis lagi. I've got one last job

3) Cleaning at Museum ( Early morning shift)

When I said early it is really early. Waking up at 4am and go to work at 5am. Pastu ends at 9am. Actually this is my current job. After aku habis study I decided to stay for a bit and manage to get this job you know sementara cari kerja in creative fields. It's not that I want to kerja cleaning but I have to survive. So what choices aku ada. Boleh je kerja retail ke apa tapi sbb kerja ni early morning so it won't meddle much time during the day. So aku boleh buat my own personal creative project or just improving my skills. Cause aku still nak keep active buat stuff that really is my passion. This job is not so bad apart from waking up so early. You got to come to museum it's a great place to start your day. Kalau ada lebih masa boleh tengok the exhibition and baca all the history there. It's so fun to me.

Actually I really interested to work at a museum or working on an exhibition project. Really keen. So I thought working here I can learn a lot of stuff too. And it's a physical job yeay to improving my fitness level. Aku actually ada macam impian untuk bawak this whole new experience of museum to Malaysia. I just thought museum kat Malaysia sangat basic and boring and tak innovative. Museum should be exciting and inviting sbb you know it's the place where we learn about the culture. I hope that Malaysia will spend some budget to work on our museum so we can protect our heritage. It also could be improve tourist industry. 

Kerja museum ni okay la tak hardcore sangat cleaning yang penting siap ada break lagi. Supervisor pun really chill baik je sgt memahami. 1 je cons dia : bangun awal pagi which is kena tidur awal which is aku tak boleh. When you are such a night owl. It's a struggle to change the routine haha. Aku sampai terpaksa ask my best friend to help call me from Malaysia. Guna whatsapp ah. Aku set je alarm tapi kdg2 brain aku taknak bangun sbb to deep in sleep. So tu je la citer dia. Aku baru je kerja tempat ni so I don't see what worse yet. I hope I can stay for a quite time. 

Korang doakan la hidup aku dipermudahkan rezeki kat sini. Aku cuba guna this platform to help giving people knowledge and also sharing my real experience. I bet you won't really see much about the reality of living abroad. It does come with many stakes. But at the end of the day It's you call to choose. For better or for worse. You do you alright. 

Sekian saja my post untuk kali ni. Semoga kita bertemu lagi. Aku macam nak keep posting every month la. Hopefully aku boleh istiqamah. See you next time. And yeah feel to ask any question. 

Reach me out here - inspiredgeeks.ej@gmail.com

Assalamualaikum,

Hi guys what's up 2021? How are you guys doing. The moment i writing this, there's a million things running through my head. I don't know where to start but i will start tell you guys a story.

End of the December of 2020, I was hospitalized because of some sickness. Not gonna expose what was it. Just know I was sick. There's actually a lot happening in December 2020. I was busy working to survive and get enough money to pay rent and to pay for my cost living. Along with the preparation of getting work visa. It's a hell of work. I won't say I'd never get busy like this but this time is really stressing me out. Nothing stressing me out the most when in doubt whether I have enough to cover my living expenses this month. The fact that I haven't got job yet cause job application keep getting rejected because of the visa. I was living my day worried about this stupid shit thousand times a day. And one day I collapsed, got warded for almost a week. When I was sick, I actually very much depressed cause I was all alone. In a place that foreign for me and was far away from my family. What I'm gonna do if it really serious?

When I was in hospital, I tried to be positive and taking care of my health and not thinking about those other shit of problems. I was actually quite happy in the hospital. I being taken care by nice nurse everyday. I was happy. Cause imagine before hospitalized, I was sick for a week like shit. I felt so much depressed, and nobody even asked not even my housemate. That's the most painful things for me. Like make me realized how much family is important to myself. How much I need those support and to know who's by my side. When I got hospitalized, I realized that I still have friends that care about me come to visit after hearing the news. I immediately know who's by my side. But obviously after I've got discharge I have to take care of myself again. You know growing up become independent, yes I am used to take care of myself. But at some point, you reach the exhausting phase. Where you need some dependency. It's human nature you depends on other person when things get rough. 

Sometimes I was wondering am i making a right decision by staying here after graduate. My destiny seems to against me in every path. It just being so incredible hard on everything. All of my plan goes to waste. Is this really worthy? What's next for me? I'm confuse? Is there any rainbows? My plan to stay is because I want to explore the possibilities. It is risky. I don't know if i can say myself a risk taker or not. But when I do something, I will work my ass off to work on it and finish it. I'm willing to take risk because I believe in myself. But because of my situation I start to doubting myself. Can i make it? What's the plan tbh? For now it's a blank canvas. It won't be something if i'm not starting my ass to craft or sketch or at least conceptualize. What's need to be done so when i leave this country i don't have any regrets. Can I capable enough to independently start my own project? And i also have to work to gain money right. Dreams vs reality. It's a tough choice. What is dream anyway? Im living my 25 life and still asking myself what I want to do for living. What will make me feel content and also make me successful and gain a lot of money. Not for myself but for my family and future one. 

I want to at least repay my mum back. That's all I have to do at least. My mum is my inspiration. She's being diligent her whole life. Growing up I have a lot of conflict with her. They way we think doesn't really go a long with each other. Make us always fighting with our own belief. But I realize that she is the perfect mum anyone will asked for. Although we didn't get along much when I was in high school. But now she's my biggest supporters. She always believe in me. Not many "asian" parents will allow their daughter to study film abroad. Like seriously not many. I never heard any of my friends study creative arts except for architecture design abroad. Film is not the ideal career for a lot of parents. I took risk to learn this. For me, i rather learn something i love, than force myself to learn something i know will make a lot of money but i won't feel content with my life. Live with many resentment is not the ideal life that i want to live. It's okay to make a mistake but it's important to rise back on our feet again. My ideal life is to be a career successful women. Of course i want to have a family but i have to patch my career first. Cause I believe in order for my family to be happy, i have to be happy first. 

Im not living my life to be a housewife. A big no. Im not against any housewife out there. What you guys doing is really admirable. it's not easy to sacrifice for the family. And I don't think Im able to do that. I like to be passionate with my job. I don't know if i able to balance my work and my family in future. I won't think that much about cause I don't have anyone pun hahah. And also I won't get married until I really sure with my career path. Im a late bloomer. I bloom late. hahaha. Im not good in dating. I don't know what's needed in relationship. Okay Idk why we're in this topic but I just want to touch some topics about getting married seems like a trend to young adults now. I am quite surprised how everyone was like in this fucking marathon try to win this competition of who married first. Okay obviously korg nak cakap biarlah their jodoh. Okay i don't against anyone who married that already have career and have some stability in life. Tapi yg tak stable tu, isn't it's a gamble to married at such a young age. Marriage needs compromise and it does comes along with a bigger responsibilities. I just can't see myself getting married now and still doesn't see myself to be responsible for my family. I would say yang nak cepat2 nak kawin awal ni a bit gatal hahaha. Idk i just see a lot of broken marriage infront of me. So idk. It's tough. 2 different people coming from different background to live together for freaking years ahead. Making decisions together. Marriage is like getting a housemate, roommate but if we not get along at the end of the day, It's fucked up. This is not renting a flats together and the lease ends in a year. There's no way out.  

Okay I think that's enough for me ranting for young marriages. Im not totally disagree with it but i do feel we need more time to explore our individuality. It's our life, live a little. Hahaha anyway for those who read this please pray for my health and semoga my path is a bit clearer this 2021. It's a rough start i would say. A big of chunks giant stones infront of me that i have to sorted out. Give me courage to go through it. Sekian wassalam. And Malaysia happy quarantine. :)

 Hi guys and Assalamualaikum,

Today I want to tell a story that normally I just share it to to my close friends only. But somehow I felt like I want to share it just because it could be something we take as a lesson.

When I was young, I never get along with my older brother. I always get bullied with him. It's not a simple fight, it's more than that. It's very exhausting and mentally disturbing for a young girl. I don't know how i get through it. We've been fighting as long as I can remember. Our age is really close so he always bring me anywhere he went to. I have another twin sister but because of the big gap of age, he never disturb them. 

I still remember the days he bought toy for me, that was the last time he's really felt like a brother to me. When we were in elementary school. It's all started. My brother change when he reached 9 years old and he became naughty and rebellious. We're like a south and north poles, so different. My brother was not very good in academic while I was very excellent in school. I was very quiet at school, don't have many friends jus a few. People will laugh now but I used to be so introvert back in the days. I heard that we can change our personality as we grew up. 

At school, we never greet each other and act like we were strangers. My brother is quite popular at school.  A lot of girls come to me because of that. I really hate it when they compare me and my brother. I used to be very skinny and dark skin. Totally hideous. While my brother was better looking, we looks like we could never be siblings. I still remember my brother will force me to give him my daily allowance so he could bought new games or toys. Otherwise I will get hit. I have no choice as I was very skinny couldn't even fight back. My parents was busy working they never around. At that time, I just pray to god to save me all the time. 

There are many occasion I will run away from home. It's because I'm so exhausted to fight all the time. Get hit by my brother, feeling scared in my own house. They were many times I felt like no one by my side. No one even cares if I'm gone. Being a middle child is really hard. My parents never give attention to me. Because I have younger sister that need them most of the time. So me and my brother always get left aside. But I understand because my sister is younger. I get along pretty well with my sister. Looking back to the memories, sometimes we do laugh about it. But at the time, I was really stress. I really want to run away from everything. I'm glad I still alive now even thought the bullying never stops. When we visit our village, my brother make fun of me all the time in front of all my cousins. He sometimes forced the cousins to talk shit about me. The only thing that I can do was crying or talked back to my brother. I was never a violence person, but my mouth is really rude. Hahahah. This is why we could never get along. 

When we hit puberty it's getting more serious. We still can talk back in elementary school. But in high school, I just stop talking to my brother. I avoid him most of the time. My brother like to skip school. And when my mum find out, he will blame and hit me even I never told my mum. You know mum instinct is so powerful, that they always find out when their children lie to them. I going through my puberty depends on my friends, I could never share problems to my family, I just couldn't trust them. While my brother when hit puberty was really scary. He had bad temper and get very violence. Me and my sister is very scared at him. My parents can never controlled him. I even get slapped by him. I could never fight back cause I'm not strong as him. I have temper too and always talked back. Cause that's the only things I can do to defend myself. Cause no one sided with me after all. I can never complain to my mum about my brother. Because she can never do anything. She's so busy at work to feed us. Because of this, I develop hatred to men. I used to think that men is trash. At school, I don't even talk to guy classmates. Because I think they waste of time. I don't even have guy friends. 

And then when I hit 16, something drastically happen in my life, this has been our turning point for most of us in my family especially my brother. My dad passed away because of sickness. The only men that I love is gone, and never back. At that time, I felt like my world is destroyed. I don't felt the need to study hard anymore. It was useless and meaningless. The reason i study hard because I want to get away from the financial struggles and help my parents but when my dad was gone. I lose my motivation. Then I started to become not so obedient started to skip school, come late to school. I do it about a year. I'm not very good at home. But at school, I care about my academics and behaviour. I tell myself everyday even thought at home my life is a mess, i would never become like them. So i do my best at school for senior year, so i could somehow get away from my family especially my brother. When I was young I resent my parents and my brother a lot, I hate that I'm not born in rich family, hate that I have a brother that is bullying me all the time. My life is full of hatred back then, but looking back now I now know how all these experience taught me about life.

We somehow manage to get over the dark past. Everyone in the family change. My brother start studying in college, and then graduated and started a business. I could never predicted what my brother will do in his life. He's so unpredictable. He has a lot of interest but never stick to it. But he's so determine to change and do it all by himself. He never asked my mum to help his business. I started to gain respect to my brother because of that. I was worried of him at the beginning because he was not good in academics and he quit doing sports after my dad passed away. But he somehow found his way. I started my college years and graduated. Now I move to New Zealand to pursue my degree. While I'm gone, situation at home is getting better. My sister become more independent when they used to depends on me all the time. Then, they graduated school and pursue diploma. Everyone in the family somehow found their path. My mum getting so much happier now and less stress. We somehow manage to get over the financial struggles. I used to not want them as my family but now I'm so proud of everyone of them.  I want to be by their side for the rest of my life. Now I know that happiness comes with little things, sometimes it closer than it looks. For example, your family. You don't have to be rich to feel that. Did I told you guys, my brother is married now and he's got kid. hahahaha. I love her wife as she's very kind. His wife is like a bridge that connects my brother with his family. My brother getting more soft now. Their son is adorable too and I couldn't help to smile every single time. I used to not want to even talk about my brother but now I want to brag about him. Cause I know he's being through a lot to come to this stage. We know now that we will have each other back. But we still felt awkward sometimes around each other. We worked on it but takes time. Only now I did realize why he always disturb me all the time. It's because he also get lonely as the he's the only boy in the family. In my life, there is a lot of ups and down but I know that it makes who I am today and I don't have regrets. It used to be painful but now it's meaningful. I want to tell this story because sometimes we felt like it's the end of the world there but there is hope. Time can only tell, you just need to believe it. Also just to clarify, I don't hate men anymore hahaha.Thanks for reading this. Hope you all get motivated. Love EJ :)