Is this the right choice?
Assalamualaikum,
Hi guys what's up 2021? How are you guys doing. The moment i writing this, there's a million things running through my head. I don't know where to start but i will start tell you guys a story.
End of the December of 2020, I was hospitalized because of some sickness. Not gonna expose what was it. Just know I was sick. There's actually a lot happening in December 2020. I was busy working to survive and get enough money to pay rent and to pay for my cost living. Along with the preparation of getting work visa. It's a hell of work. I won't say I'd never get busy like this but this time is really stressing me out. Nothing stressing me out the most when in doubt whether I have enough to cover my living expenses this month. The fact that I haven't got job yet cause job application keep getting rejected because of the visa. I was living my day worried about this stupid shit thousand times a day. And one day I collapsed, got warded for almost a week. When I was sick, I actually very much depressed cause I was all alone. In a place that foreign for me and was far away from my family. What I'm gonna do if it really serious?
When I was in hospital, I tried to be positive and taking care of my health and not thinking about those other shit of problems. I was actually quite happy in the hospital. I being taken care by nice nurse everyday. I was happy. Cause imagine before hospitalized, I was sick for a week like shit. I felt so much depressed, and nobody even asked not even my housemate. That's the most painful things for me. Like make me realized how much family is important to myself. How much I need those support and to know who's by my side. When I got hospitalized, I realized that I still have friends that care about me come to visit after hearing the news. I immediately know who's by my side. But obviously after I've got discharge I have to take care of myself again. You know growing up become independent, yes I am used to take care of myself. But at some point, you reach the exhausting phase. Where you need some dependency. It's human nature you depends on other person when things get rough.
Sometimes I was wondering am i making a right decision by staying here after graduate. My destiny seems to against me in every path. It just being so incredible hard on everything. All of my plan goes to waste. Is this really worthy? What's next for me? I'm confuse? Is there any rainbows? My plan to stay is because I want to explore the possibilities. It is risky. I don't know if i can say myself a risk taker or not. But when I do something, I will work my ass off to work on it and finish it. I'm willing to take risk because I believe in myself. But because of my situation I start to doubting myself. Can i make it? What's the plan tbh? For now it's a blank canvas. It won't be something if i'm not starting my ass to craft or sketch or at least conceptualize. What's need to be done so when i leave this country i don't have any regrets. Can I capable enough to independently start my own project? And i also have to work to gain money right. Dreams vs reality. It's a tough choice. What is dream anyway? Im living my 25 life and still asking myself what I want to do for living. What will make me feel content and also make me successful and gain a lot of money. Not for myself but for my family and future one.
I want to at least repay my mum back. That's all I have to do at least. My mum is my inspiration. She's being diligent her whole life. Growing up I have a lot of conflict with her. They way we think doesn't really go a long with each other. Make us always fighting with our own belief. But I realize that she is the perfect mum anyone will asked for. Although we didn't get along much when I was in high school. But now she's my biggest supporters. She always believe in me. Not many "asian" parents will allow their daughter to study film abroad. Like seriously not many. I never heard any of my friends study creative arts except for architecture design abroad. Film is not the ideal career for a lot of parents. I took risk to learn this. For me, i rather learn something i love, than force myself to learn something i know will make a lot of money but i won't feel content with my life. Live with many resentment is not the ideal life that i want to live. It's okay to make a mistake but it's important to rise back on our feet again. My ideal life is to be a career successful women. Of course i want to have a family but i have to patch my career first. Cause I believe in order for my family to be happy, i have to be happy first.
Im not living my life to be a housewife. A big no. Im not against any housewife out there. What you guys doing is really admirable. it's not easy to sacrifice for the family. And I don't think Im able to do that. I like to be passionate with my job. I don't know if i able to balance my work and my family in future. I won't think that much about cause I don't have anyone pun hahah. And also I won't get married until I really sure with my career path. Im a late bloomer. I bloom late. hahaha. Im not good in dating. I don't know what's needed in relationship. Okay Idk why we're in this topic but I just want to touch some topics about getting married seems like a trend to young adults now. I am quite surprised how everyone was like in this fucking marathon try to win this competition of who married first. Okay obviously korg nak cakap biarlah their jodoh. Okay i don't against anyone who married that already have career and have some stability in life. Tapi yg tak stable tu, isn't it's a gamble to married at such a young age. Marriage needs compromise and it does comes along with a bigger responsibilities. I just can't see myself getting married now and still doesn't see myself to be responsible for my family. I would say yang nak cepat2 nak kawin awal ni a bit gatal hahaha. Idk i just see a lot of broken marriage infront of me. So idk. It's tough. 2 different people coming from different background to live together for freaking years ahead. Making decisions together. Marriage is like getting a housemate, roommate but if we not get along at the end of the day, It's fucked up. This is not renting a flats together and the lease ends in a year. There's no way out.
Okay I think that's enough for me ranting for young marriages. Im not totally disagree with it but i do feel we need more time to explore our individuality. It's our life, live a little. Hahaha anyway for those who read this please pray for my health and semoga my path is a bit clearer this 2021. It's a rough start i would say. A big of chunks giant stones infront of me that i have to sorted out. Give me courage to go through it. Sekian wassalam. And Malaysia happy quarantine. :)
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