Life too short to be still

Wednesday, December 15, 2021 EJ 0 Comments

 Hi guys,

Assalamualaikum lama gak sebenarnya tak update blog. It's been pretty good for me lately. Not like anything big but positive feelings and energy surrounded me. Really thankful for that. So after so long finally I feel like really motivated to do stuff again. Like any stuff

When i flashback to those 3 months of depressing thoughts and unmotivated days. Fuhh I finally can say that I somehow know how to overcome it. Like mundane life is not for me. I hate to live and do the same thing everyday. Gotta be honest I'm fucking hate that. So to coming back to my real self. Aku actually try alot of things. Aku change my routine. Kerja tu kerja but i don't focus on the kerja that aku buat sekarang. Sebab the job itself is depressing so I fill my week with activities. I cannot jump into my old very social life balik. Because it's too much and I cannot handle many people at one time banyak2. Because aku pun baru nak recover with my mental health but I am slowly coming back but with more stability and positive energy. What i did instead, I explore activities with myself that I can enjoy without thinking of anything. I find small circle to explore that just to add a little bit fun. 

You know just things that i will never do or just so afraid to do. Like dance and fitness in general. Aku memang suka dance tapi bodo bodo la.. Never to the point that I want to improve in it. But since I started working this job. Actually i lose some weigh sikit so easier for me to kinda move. I really enjoy dance, it does make my daily life fun and energetic. Plus the dance itself really improve my mood. And it just make me feel really good about myself. These days I spend alot of time to plan what I want to do on the weekend. Im so excited when coming to weekend now. Cause I always do something. Right now we just casually start our badminton group for beginners weekly. For now just within our small circle of friends. But well at least, we do something over the weekend. And also it so much fun to do sports with your friends. Anyway all my friends here is so active. That actually really encourage to be more aware of my fitness. I used to spend my weekend at home doing nothing. But with summer coming, I'm just so excited to plan activities to do over the weekend. I really want to feel motivated again. Although i stop looking for jobs because I get so anxiety about it. I tried to take care of my body and my mental health and just generally improve my mood so I can be positive. Im so happy that my flatmates love to join me do activities. I plan on hiking, and badminton play and also I casually joining dance fitness class at local gym in the city. I want to fill my week with activities just you know try to improve stamina and all. On top of that I did some yoga at home to improve my posture and flexibility. For now I just did it alone at home but hopefully in future I will be able to join class in the city.

Actually kat wellington ni there is alot of thing to explore. Like I can join any class I wanted. It's unlimited things to try. And there is so many community support whatever you have interested in. It makes me wondering why I never tried that before. I have lived here for 3.5 years and baru sekarang I really explore this city and try to enjoy different stuff kat sini. Yeahh I am trying really hard right now to find the reason to stay. I am questioning myself everyday about my decision to stay for another year. I am trying to prove myself that there is more this city could give to me. And I shouldn't stop now. I will leave this place when the right time coming. And when me as a person have fully grown with potential and opportunities. It always anxious how the life will turns out. But idk everyone going through it right? Like the process to patch your life. 

Hari tu aku ada like really deep talk with a good friend of mine. Like you know we talked alot and he said this words that one of the thing Im holding to right now. " I am in a good place". A place that I have control of my own will. No one holding me back. Im not saying Malaysia is not a good place but I couldn't say Malaysia is a better place than now. I couldn't see my future yet if I go home without pushing my potential to the extend. I know myself. Im very goal oriented. I will do whatever I want even though it looks like impossible to other people. I just need to believe in myself and have support from people that matters. Everytime i called my mum. She keep asking me to go home. To settle in Malaysia. But yeah my ambition is just to keep exploring. I want to find my own values. I want to find myself and figure out the life I wanted. When i finally find it i know I can be better person from today and do a lot of goods to my family and the society. I dont know when will I found what I wanted. But I know one thing I am ready to explore and going through this adventure. I will show it to my mum.. That this would be worthy. 

Pray for my journey dipermudahkan. I really dont know if anyone baca blog aku ni hahaha. But I just really want to share it in this blog cause this is important moment in my life. To move forward. Good luck to me 😊

Thoughts as the eldest sister

Saturday, October 23, 2021 EJ 0 Comments

 Hi All

and Assalamualaikum to whoever read this. 

Lately I have a lot in my mind. So I will update more often. Yeahh It's been better. Pretty calm in my head and my hearts. The homesick is still there pretty much. But much more stabilize.

Well today is a good day. It is my twin little sister birthday. So after 4 years I was born, we got blessed with some really demanding and challenging a pair of twins that I pretty much raised to be decent human beings now. I'll take credits whenever I can Haha. These days I always thought about home. I was actually haven't really spend anything on my sister's birthday before. But I was glad I did this year. I just thought if I was not able to feel happy with my ownself. Let's just give the other happiness -like my own sister. I always like treats them all the time. Give some gift whenever I visited them from New Zealand. But I rarely celebrate their birthday. Because they always keep it down. So I either forget about it or too busy to catch up. I usually focused on my mom's birthday. The house madam boss need to be treated well. So the harmony of the home will kept at it best.😂

Well what I can say about my little twin sister. I don't have much struggles with them tbh growing up together. They were pretty much decent and I believe it was all because of me and my older brother's behaviour who were often can be seen as problematic and a little bit traumatic to them. Yeah me and my brother were the troubles in the family. We were hot-tempered and unable to be controlled. We were both very different and often clashed. So I think my twin sister just decided to be the harmony pillar of the family. Calm and mysterious. When I was young, My mom spend her all attention to my youngest twin sisters. So me and brother often get left out. We were pretty much took care of ourself. And also a lot of time I have to take care of my sister. Considering how asshole and irresponsible my brother can be. Someone need to be the 2nd mom of the family which is myself.

My youngest twin sister always depends on me all the time. And I was that kind of sister that always get worried if they will not eat. So I have to find food. Every morning I ride my bike to hunt for food. My mom and dad were busy working. So that was mostly the routine. Since young, I have to learn to be independent. Yeah that's me. If I waited for my brother to get the food. We were pretty much would be hit by starvation. So yeah. My mum always worried about them. Cause growing up, I don't really see them have many friends. Unlike me who have too many friends and always out exploring the town. So I think me and my mum sometimes worried about their social life. We always encourage them to go out. While my mum set up for me a curfew cause I cannot stop going out. With my sister, my mum force me to take them out. So I was the one who teach them to use public transport- subway and all. 

I was sometimes worried how they will grow up as an adult. Cause they were too dependent on me and my mum. But as I move to another state to study, I realized they were doing alright. They can be an adult. They need to survive somehow. So they have to learn to be independent. So i have faith that they will be alright anywhere they go. My mum on the other hand a bit more protective and also always worried. She have no problem send me off to New Zealand. But I bet she worried if my sister went to KL to hang out. 😂 That's some difference of how my mum treats me and my sister. I've got freedom. I used to feel maybe if my mum a bit protective of me I will be you know not left out. But nahh as I grow older I was just so glad that mum gives me so much freedom. I have so many sheltered friends that have protective parents. It was so heartbreaking to see them have to struggle to get trust from their parents when they were an adult. So I am just glad my mum trust me with my own decision and everything. I don't even thing my mum will let my sister study abroad. There's no way. She was at first a bit hesitate when I told the news about opportunity to study abroad. She even ignore the topic for a week. But you know, I know my way to get what I want hahaha. And I really believe in the back of her mind, She know that I am really capable of that. I told her that she don't have to worry about money. I got full scholarship. I'll get part time job to support myself with the living costs. And I did it. Work so hard that I even can bought flight ticket to visit them every year.

People saw me and told that I am lucky. Well maybe they need to see how I wakeup in the morning go to class and rush to work afterwards till late night every day.With filming and projects going on, it sure was a hell of living. But I manage to survive cause I don't mind some sacrificing to be where I am today. To finish my degree. Even after graduate, I wakeup at 4am everyday to find money to survive living here without financial support from my mum. Cause I promise my mum that if I make risky decisions and I will work hard for it. I work so damn hard to be able to travel and splurge achieving my bucket list and stuff. People don't see that. They just thought that I am such lucky girl with millions in my bank account. The reality is way far from what they see on social media. 😂

Well this post not suppose to be about me but when talking about independence. I am sure can relate. But yeah my sister turns out well. They just finish studies. One just have part time job right now and the other just finish her internship. They're doing alright. I hope so. With this covid just so annoying that I couldn't even visit them. If I dont want to think about anything, I will just fly home at this moment. But yeah I don't know. I'm still trying to hold myself together. I don't know what's for me in life. But I hope I will be happy. Just that.

That's all for todayy. Hope you guys enjoy my writing. See you again 💕

Finding myself again

Thursday, October 21, 2021 EJ 1 Comments

Hi guys

Assalamualaikum :) 

It's been few weeks after the past depression post. I've been better now. Although it was quite hard. I barely holding myself together. I realized that I was too worried about my goals that I forgot my ownself. My own values, my upbringing, even my faith. 

There so many time, I went to the waterfront near my workplace. I sit there alone and starring at people passing by. I see the blue sky and then I just burst into tears. Even while working, I was crying again and again. I was really in an unstable emotional state. The worst part was that I don't understand why I cry. Sometimes i hold my fist to be stabilize my emotion. These days I just write alot. Cause it's the only way for me to express my thoughts. When you talk with people, a lot of times that you afraid they will not understand or they will come with some sorts of judgement. So I know with writing I can let it out without judgement. Be my ownself and embrace my own feelings. I even found new talents while I was in depression mode. I learn to write songs. I found that it was really calming and exciting for me to express myself in my own words. 

I always found music as my company. When I was sad, happy. It always there with me. I love to explore music. I listen to a lot of R&B, indie and rap songs. Maybe live in depression not so bad right? I mean I will never able to let those words come out in form of songs if I am not depressed. I will not able to relate with those feelings. Those words/ lines that I wrote comes from those unknown and complicated thoughts. 

I am actually grateful that I have a good friends surrounded me. That always asked me how am I doing. Although sometimes I just push them away. Or just simply isolate myself. But in the back of my mind. I know they have my back. It's not that I want to push them away, Cause I truly not comfortable to show people this side of me. This unstable and emotional me. Not many people can handle it. So I just keep it to myself most of the time. 

I am trying right now really hard. Im praying harder now. Im looking for inner peace. I hope God will see how hard I want to be me again. All those my upbringing, I will put it back in my heart. I think I forgot too much. I want to explore so much and I forgot the basic. I forgot the foundation. So Im going to start with the basic again. Focus on my relationship with god. Helping people around me. Be kind to one and another. Not to compare your own values and life with others. I know I am different. My thinking, my upbringing, my goals. I know I have so many talents. I know I got skills. I know I'm a good person. I know I really care about people that matters. I hope you won't forget who you are. A girl that can change the world, a girl that can give so much to others, a girl with her new own perspective. 

Your dad is waiting for you at a better place. He is proud of you. He knows his little girl is growing up to be someone that important to the society. He see you girl. From a better place 🙂

Living on the edge

Friday, October 01, 2021 EJ 0 Comments

Apa itu sustainable ?

Monday, August 16, 2021 EJ 0 Comments

I used to love splurging buying too much clothes that i don't even need, There's a bunch of clothes sitting in my wardrobe waiting to be throw away. Which is bad. 

"Fashion's emissions total more than international flights and maritime shipping combined"


That just show bertapa kita tak pernah think twice about our purchasing. Sejak aku study about sustainability and involve in a documentary about that, aku cuba kawal aku punya purchasing. I'm not like macam totally avoid fast fashion stores sebab aku realistically aku tak mampu to afford the sustainable clothes in the market. It is so expensive because of the fair trade. But sekarang aku cuba think twice bila membeli. Cari alternative like 2nd hand shop kalau kat malaysia bundle or thrift shop you know. Dekat new zealand ni pulak, memang culture suka recycle. Dorang sentiasa jual 2nd hand baju kat marketplace. So aku selalu gak ah browsing around pieces aku nak before aku pergi kedai beli baru. 

Coretan malam terakhir ramadhan

Monday, August 16, 2021 EJ 0 Comments

 Assalamualaikum,

Hi everyone what's good. Firstly just want to say salam ramadhan to everyone and soon Happy eid Mubarak to all muslim brothers and sisters who read this post. So tadi aku just tengok live announcement raya kat NZ so kitorang kena puasa lagi besok last and Eid will fall on Friday. Tapi it's all good, i suppose to cook for raya tonight tapi besok la nampaknya kita akan bertungkus lumus.

Well it's 3 years celebrating raya abroad. It was weird to be honest because I getting quite used to it. Sometimes I love the simplicity of it because no hassle to find new baju raya or tudung raya. You just wear what you have in the back of your closet. I felt like i more focusing on what to cook on malam raya. So at least we got the food raya morning hahaha. The best part kalau sambut kt malaysia yang masak masak raya ni selalu ibu-ibu kita haha. Ni duduk negara orang semua lauk raya aku dah reti masak. Bagus kan hahaha. Kalau tak sampai bila tak reti masak rendang. Also although we raya without our family, we got each other back. The malaysian community are really together when it comes to celebrate eid. And I would say this year is the best Ramadhan experience for me. Cause i got to focus on myself and also got to do a lot volunteering on this holy month and spend time with people. Masa i study dulu banyak masa i habis working on uni project so I takde masa nak really feel the warmth and sweetness of Ramadhan. This year i went to many iftar and help the community a lot. Meeting and hang out with the community. It's such a blessed opportunity. My flatmates also are really positive people we always tarawikh together and it makes me feel really like home. You know rezeki bulan Ramadhan sangat melimpah ruah. Ada je makanan free sampai rumah. Like I am so grateful. 

The start of this year is really tough on me. But I somehow got better. It's all really thanks to support from people around me. My friends here really help me get out from those depressing period. Moving to new place really shine the light to my life. Surrounded by supportive flatmates and friends. I want to feel loved again. And I do learn that when we in trouble we don't always have to keep it to yourself. Reaching out to people doesn't mean you a burden to anyone. It's okay to be vulnerable. Sometimes you got talk about it. Let it go and move on. Find the right person to talk about it rather than keep it all alone. Yeah today I just read my old post and then i realised the progress I have in my life. There was up and down. It's also interesting to see myself from 5 years ago. Literally the same as today. Struggling to find the job after graduate. But Idk i kind of realise something. The fact the we never know what future holds for us. 

One step takes another. 5 years ago when i have no intention to further my study, and then i got offer to study abroad. And now i have successfully graduated and right now try to patch my career again. It's always anxious how it all turns out but I know I believe in myself. I believe whatever job i been doing later in my life I will be doing my best on it. There are a few dreams. I want to start my own social organization probably NGO to help people in need. I never did volunteering masa kt malaysia. Tapi bila I move here, got interest in documentary and idk I just love the feeling of be able to help others. I start to reaching out community and offer my help. While I was working on a documentary with Malaysian embassy got in contact with The sikh community leaders that active in distributing free food to anyone in need. I go there few times to help. Love the compassion they show and idk really glad to meet them in my life. Since i met them i been thinking about the idea of starting to involve in social work. Right now i just do it casually. I really want to learn more about it and hopefully be able to do it in future. My one of the lecturer said she really proud of how i turn out since the last 3 years. I did learn a lot from this experiences not just from Massey. I felt like coming here is the best decision I ever make. It's so crazy at one time also so worthy at the end. It is totally life changing. I found new interest that i never thought i would found before. I don't really know what exactly i want. I just kinda pick anything I found throughout this journey and just following my instinct and what my heart told me to do. I don't even think i would stay in NZ after graduate. It's all just sort of happening. The timing and all. 

Now i got the part time job to at least pay my rent. I started to fill my time here and there with creative project that I could possibly do. I tried to be positive and just do the best I can. My good friend from uni keep asking me to go to networking events haha. Truthfully I don't have the best impression of going to networking events. Cause the first time i went it so sucks and awkward. The worst ever. And then I filled up my courage to go to another networking events outside uni and it was good. It feels so good. I feel like I am fire, totally nailed it. Got to exchange Linkedin and contact with few people. You know although it's not getting a job but networking is another way to find potential collaborator in future. Creative projects is all about finding the right team or partner. I just tried to put myself out there. It doesn't have to be perfect.

Yeah I think I'm alright for now. I tried to get 2nd part time job just to get enough to save some money before going back for good. But who knows what future holds for me. If there is opportunity, I'm willing to grab it. I know I am destined for something bigger something great for the community. But yeah which steps that I will took is still the question. I hope that everyone who read this wish me luck and pray for my rezeki. I will keep sharing story and experience when I have time. But yeah really love to hear from you guys. Drop me a message at facebook or instagram and i promise i treat you like a friend :)

Lots of Love from New Zealand

Salam dari perantauan to all my malaysian fellows. Happy quarantine :)

IG : eqa.jamal
FB : Eqa Jamal

Looking back : Apa cita cita saya ?

Wednesday, August 11, 2021 EJ 1 Comments

Pengalaman kerja part time abroad (New Zealand Ep)

Saturday, March 06, 2021 EJ 0 Comments

 Hi Assalamualaikum,

Salam sejahtera dan Salam 1 Malaysia. Bersama saya Eqa melaporkan dari New Zealand secara langsung ke Astro Awani.

Hahaha apa macam okay tak aku jadi news reporter. You know what, suprisingly i ada la jugak consider news reporter as career path despite its own challenges. Tapi yeah takpe kan berangan.

Okay guyss what's up. So today aku nak tells my fun and nightmare stories about my part time job in New Zealand. I have done the Malaysian version of it in the past, but you know time flies so fast that I've got time now to tell part of stories in my life. Anyway sorry kalau this post macam sangat ma-nglish. I guess that's how I am now a very rojak Malaysian.

Okay masa first year aku datang New Zealand, I always wanted to have a part time job. But I waited till my 2nd year to get one just because aku nak fokus belajar first year and you know just try adapting myself with this whole new system of education and lifestyle sini.

So masa second year aku pun hunting part time job and alhamdulillah dapat kerja kat 1 Malaysia stall at food court ni. Aku also ada others few part time job aku buat kat sana. You know living cost tinggi and I want to live a decent life - travelling, shopping. So I worked hard for it. Without further ado, let's get to the point.

1) Malaysian food Stall @ Food court

Pada 1 hari yang indah aku pergi beli makanan kat food court ni. And idk masa tu aku macam terdetik hati untuk tanya whether they needed helper tak that time. Terus bos tu hire aku and aku start la kerja kat situ. I think I stay about a year and a half. I love working surrounding food, I guess korang yg baca my old post tau yg aku dulu kerja pizzahut and thai restaurant. I really enjoy kerja pizza despite their stupid low capitalist wages. 

Tempat tu kecik je it just a standard food court punya stall. Ada 2 lot. Kitorang jual all kinds of malaysian food. Ada roti canai, roti tissue, nasi lemak, nasi briyani, mee goreng, rendang daging and all sorts of Malaysian food. It was really fun to see local - Mat salleh enjoying our beloved malaysian food. I never tau being so proud of being Malaysian. I just realized how precious our food are especially when I moved here. Itu lah orang kata benda dulu depan mata tak reti appreciate, bila benda dah takde baru nak mencari-cari. 

You know what's funny, I felt like malaysian desire to go abroad so much and then when they sampai sana they still looking for Malaysian food balik. Guess what, cause our food is unbeatable. Really. I always looking for Malaysian food for my lunch. I guess a bit part of myself yg traditional ni still ada and I have pride at Malaysian food.

What i love the most about the food stall is the boss is so kind. He always let me bring back food home. Sometimes a lot. And I always munching peanut while I was working haha for snacking. I used to being a kitchen assistant at pizzahut so I guess I okay je do all the kitchen prep. For me it's really a chill job. Tapi time busy memang busy la. And also senang nak solat sbb owner malay so dorg paham. That is one of the job I really sayang and have to quit sebab they have to  closed down because of covid. Really sad for it to be happen. I mean kalau tak best why would I stay for a year and a half. Their food is really authentic malaysian food. Owner pulak orang johor so I mmg suka gila ah food kat situ. 

Manis moment and bad moments pun ada tapi sbb owner aku jenis yg tak toxic so If it's just one worker toxic dia tak effect sgt compare tu boss yang toxic. You know what I mean. Best part ah kerja situ aku belajar masak and kitchen prep. I learn about being efficient in preparing food. I really want to thank cik yazid and achik to teach me a lot. Achik yg banyak bagi wise advice and never once being petty to share me cooking skills. And Cik Yazid yang always layan my weird story although dia malas nak layan tp still angguk dengar aku sembang. Also dia sabar je dgn perangai clumsy aku yg tak pernah ingat muka customer. And also Mak Itam yang felt like a mother to me. I always thought you guys like my family. I definitely will visit you guys in Malaysia soon. Nasib baik kampung aku dekat je dengan dorang. 

Thanks la Cik yazid for hiring me, I know I am such a headache but really, thanks for accepting me as who I am.

2) Cleaning 11 tingkat office building

Okay guyss. I told you guys I've got few others places I have been working since I've live in NZ. So aku kerja sini time end of my 2nd year and during summer break. Aku tahan 4 months je.

Here's why :

- They give me 3 hrs and 15 min to clean the whole building. So basically the building ada 11 tingkat. But ada 4 orang pekerja. Setiap orang buat 1 chores. Whether it's vaccuming, clean toilet, wiping or clean kitchen. But 1 chores for the whole level. Even if there is deep cleaning needed they don't even give us extra hours which is extra sucks.

- Always have not enough supplies and we have to figure out how to keep everything in stock. Kena topup tissue everyday sbb apparently dorang pakai tissue system macam tu. Yang very incovenient. Should just toilet rolls instead. 

- Work division was hardcore unfair. We have 1 supervisor and 3 staff. Yang aku tak puas hatinya. Supervisor aku really cut corners and do the easiest scores which is wiping table je. Bukan wipe tingkap ke cermin. It's really not fair and he didn't even help his subordinate when we needed. He just arah other staff to help even other staff have already full on their plates. I really hate him so much for doing that. It's really hard to explain to him our concern sbb macam cakap dengan spender basah. Btw he's from india and really stubborn. Idk la but i hear It's really need strong head to work with Indian. They just really stubborn. Not try to be racist but I have top be careful afterwards. Not everyone obviously but tu lah. Haih And aku with another staff je yg have to switch chores every week. So whether aku buat vaccum or clean toilet

- Manager is useless. Me and another staff which is actually my friend try to talk with her and express our complaints about the supervisor tapi sbb dua dua sama bangsa sama india. Cakap dengan dia sama je macam cakap dengan spender basah. Tak bergerak macam tu je. What worse when manager try to take side on the supervisor which idk what you thinking mam. Kau tak kerja dgn dia, Kitorg staff yang kena tahan hari-hari. Thank god it's just 5 days a week. And also aku pernah eh sakit period cramp so dalam policy company boleh je inform manager kalau takleh dtg sbb sakit in less than 4hrs before. So aku inform within that time. Guess what dia cakap just try to wait for period cramp to be okay and kalau okay datang je la kerja. I was so speechless, so aku cakap aku rasa aku mmg takleh dtg since aku tak larat. Dia still insist to call like an hour before work pastu aku cakap aku memang takleh baru dia mengalah jugak. Like hellooooo where is your common sense. I get kau tak cukup org but you the manager there must be backup and better system when this happens. There is so many bad things about thsi company and how they actually manage their staff. Fucking unbelievable

- Crazy amount of work : Okay bila aku cakap crazy I really mean this. 1 person to clean 33 toilet in 3 hours. Tell me how it's not crazy. On top of that they demand a deep cleaning for 2 lvl at least for everyday which taking more times. I punya nak adapt tu sampai I have to clean 1 toilet in only 5 min which is macam lunatic. Nak kena topup tissue lagi like kau gila ke. I have only have total of 15 min for 1 toilet men and ladies and then OKU toilet. Kalau terlebih masa I will be running out of time. As soon i finish one lvl i have to run like I was in fucking marathon to get to the lift with my big ass loaded trolley. Sorry ah aku swearing tapi bila ingat balik camne tah aku tahan. 

- Itu toilet punya cerita. While kalau kau on vaccuming. Kau kena help org toilet collect all the toilet trash from the whole building. This take at least 30 min and you have to run again like a fucking marathon. Baru we can start our own job. See la macam mana tak gila.  Lepas habis to kena vaccum emergency stairs the whole building pulak. Dah tu supervisor aku buat apa. Bawak perut je kehulu hilir. Dia selalu bagi alasan tak cukup masa nak supervise. Luls I bet he even checked our own work. I don't even know what he was doing, sbb dia selalu siap awal and lepak kt room. Vaccum pulak office of course la kena check 1-1 bawah table dorg. Mula2 aku kerja situ aku rasa macam this is fucking impossible, tapi idk how I cuba jugak buat. Tapi memang penat takyah cakap macam haram. Aku rasa aku lose weight gak ah. Balik je rumah kaki aku macam menggeletar nak jalan pun susah. Obviously company ni mmg gila labour abuse. Nasib aku tak report je kat Jabatan buruh sini. Bila aku cerita kat orang pasal job ni no one can believe their ears. 

- So my tips kalau nak cari kerja cleaning at least find 4 hrs min and ask them how big is the building. Cause I can say all cleaning job is a very physical job and need set of standard fitness to be able to cope. Anyway different company different policy. 

Btw on top of these crazy job I also kerja kat malaysian food stall in the morning and this cleaning job at night during summer. Literally my life just being so pathetic to find money to survive. Tapi aku happy sebab dgn duit ni la aku mampu nak balik malaysia every year and visit my family and also bring back gift for the. I also grateful that I able to help my family when dorg susah. 

And then guess what aku berhenti and balik Malaysia for few months and then Covid happens. Aku mmg dah stop kerja cleaning tu sbb hardcore sangat. But still keep the food court job. Since nanti aku nak study dah I can only manage 1 job at a time. Adalah kerja sampai around march ke april. Pastu Lockdown hahahahaha. Dan saya pun tanam anggur for about a year. Yeah a year without income. Nasib Mara ada tapi kena ikat perut la. Korang yang eager sangat nak gi abroad ni you guys need to know the reality. It is tough. Apa yang org study abroad semua share apa yang desirable je kat social media. That's why our mentality thought it is better out there. It is better yes if you look at the high living wages but also high living cost. I don't even have to say how much I pay for the rent. You guys can google it by yourselves. It's crazy. 

Citer dia memang la it's 3 times bigger currency dari malaysia. Dah tu bila kau duduk sini kau still kena beli all groceries and necessities and berapa je kau boleh saving. Boleh kalau kau tak beli apa apa. Just ikat je la perut. Bagi aku rugi dah dtg jauh2 tapi tak explore negara ni. Tak travel and it's such a waste. You have no idea how beautiful New Zealand. It's another whole universe of nature. Whether is wild or not. It's fascinating. My best view i will say Ruapehu snow mountain and Sunset at the Wharariki Beach. It's so beautiful. Bagi aku nature kat new zealand ni is so untouchable. They do really care about the environment. Things that we should try to incorporate it back home.

So while aku stop kerja for while I've got to focused more on my final year as a film student. Sumpah challenging. You have no idea to shoot during pandemic camne. Dah la buat documentary. Pening sis, anyway it was a great success. I will talk about it in a different post and yeah just talked about it. Btw kerja aku tak habis lagi. I've got one last job

3) Cleaning at Museum ( Early morning shift)

When I said early it is really early. Waking up at 4am and go to work at 5am. Pastu ends at 9am. Actually this is my current job. After aku habis study I decided to stay for a bit and manage to get this job you know sementara cari kerja in creative fields. It's not that I want to kerja cleaning but I have to survive. So what choices aku ada. Boleh je kerja retail ke apa tapi sbb kerja ni early morning so it won't meddle much time during the day. So aku boleh buat my own personal creative project or just improving my skills. Cause aku still nak keep active buat stuff that really is my passion. This job is not so bad apart from waking up so early. You got to come to museum it's a great place to start your day. Kalau ada lebih masa boleh tengok the exhibition and baca all the history there. It's so fun to me.

Actually I really interested to work at a museum or working on an exhibition project. Really keen. So I thought working here I can learn a lot of stuff too. And it's a physical job yeay to improving my fitness level. Aku actually ada macam impian untuk bawak this whole new experience of museum to Malaysia. I just thought museum kat Malaysia sangat basic and boring and tak innovative. Museum should be exciting and inviting sbb you know it's the place where we learn about the culture. I hope that Malaysia will spend some budget to work on our museum so we can protect our heritage. It also could be improve tourist industry. 

Kerja museum ni okay la tak hardcore sangat cleaning yang penting siap ada break lagi. Supervisor pun really chill baik je sgt memahami. 1 je cons dia : bangun awal pagi which is kena tidur awal which is aku tak boleh. When you are such a night owl. It's a struggle to change the routine haha. Aku sampai terpaksa ask my best friend to help call me from Malaysia. Guna whatsapp ah. Aku set je alarm tapi kdg2 brain aku taknak bangun sbb to deep in sleep. So tu je la citer dia. Aku baru je kerja tempat ni so I don't see what worse yet. I hope I can stay for a quite time. 

Korang doakan la hidup aku dipermudahkan rezeki kat sini. Aku cuba guna this platform to help giving people knowledge and also sharing my real experience. I bet you won't really see much about the reality of living abroad. It does come with many stakes. But at the end of the day It's you call to choose. For better or for worse. You do you alright. 

Sekian saja my post untuk kali ni. Semoga kita bertemu lagi. Aku macam nak keep posting every month la. Hopefully aku boleh istiqamah. See you next time. And yeah feel to ask any question. 

Reach me out here - inspiredgeeks.ej@gmail.com

Is this the right choice?

Thursday, January 14, 2021 EJ 0 Comments

Assalamualaikum,

Hi guys what's up 2021? How are you guys doing. The moment i writing this, there's a million things running through my head. I don't know where to start but i will start tell you guys a story.

End of the December of 2020, I was hospitalized because of some sickness. Not gonna expose what was it. Just know I was sick. There's actually a lot happening in December 2020. I was busy working to survive and get enough money to pay rent and to pay for my cost living. Along with the preparation of getting work visa. It's a hell of work. I won't say I'd never get busy like this but this time is really stressing me out. Nothing stressing me out the most when in doubt whether I have enough to cover my living expenses this month. The fact that I haven't got job yet cause job application keep getting rejected because of the visa. I was living my day worried about this stupid shit thousand times a day. And one day I collapsed, got warded for almost a week. When I was sick, I actually very much depressed cause I was all alone. In a place that foreign for me and was far away from my family. What I'm gonna do if it really serious?

When I was in hospital, I tried to be positive and taking care of my health and not thinking about those other shit of problems. I was actually quite happy in the hospital. I being taken care by nice nurse everyday. I was happy. Cause imagine before hospitalized, I was sick for a week like shit. I felt so much depressed, and nobody even asked not even my housemate. That's the most painful things for me. Like make me realized how much family is important to myself. How much I need those support and to know who's by my side. When I got hospitalized, I realized that I still have friends that care about me come to visit after hearing the news. I immediately know who's by my side. But obviously after I've got discharge I have to take care of myself again. You know growing up become independent, yes I am used to take care of myself. But at some point, you reach the exhausting phase. Where you need some dependency. It's human nature you depends on other person when things get rough. 

Sometimes I was wondering am i making a right decision by staying here after graduate. My destiny seems to against me in every path. It just being so incredible hard on everything. All of my plan goes to waste. Is this really worthy? What's next for me? I'm confuse? Is there any rainbows? My plan to stay is because I want to explore the possibilities. It is risky. I don't know if i can say myself a risk taker or not. But when I do something, I will work my ass off to work on it and finish it. I'm willing to take risk because I believe in myself. But because of my situation I start to doubting myself. Can i make it? What's the plan tbh? For now it's a blank canvas. It won't be something if i'm not starting my ass to craft or sketch or at least conceptualize. What's need to be done so when i leave this country i don't have any regrets. Can I capable enough to independently start my own project? And i also have to work to gain money right. Dreams vs reality. It's a tough choice. What is dream anyway? Im living my 25 life and still asking myself what I want to do for living. What will make me feel content and also make me successful and gain a lot of money. Not for myself but for my family and future one. 

I want to at least repay my mum back. That's all I have to do at least. My mum is my inspiration. She's being diligent her whole life. Growing up I have a lot of conflict with her. They way we think doesn't really go a long with each other. Make us always fighting with our own belief. But I realize that she is the perfect mum anyone will asked for. Although we didn't get along much when I was in high school. But now she's my biggest supporters. She always believe in me. Not many "asian" parents will allow their daughter to study film abroad. Like seriously not many. I never heard any of my friends study creative arts except for architecture design abroad. Film is not the ideal career for a lot of parents. I took risk to learn this. For me, i rather learn something i love, than force myself to learn something i know will make a lot of money but i won't feel content with my life. Live with many resentment is not the ideal life that i want to live. It's okay to make a mistake but it's important to rise back on our feet again. My ideal life is to be a career successful women. Of course i want to have a family but i have to patch my career first. Cause I believe in order for my family to be happy, i have to be happy first. 

Im not living my life to be a housewife. A big no. Im not against any housewife out there. What you guys doing is really admirable. it's not easy to sacrifice for the family. And I don't think Im able to do that. I like to be passionate with my job. I don't know if i able to balance my work and my family in future. I won't think that much about cause I don't have anyone pun hahah. And also I won't get married until I really sure with my career path. Im a late bloomer. I bloom late. hahaha. Im not good in dating. I don't know what's needed in relationship. Okay Idk why we're in this topic but I just want to touch some topics about getting married seems like a trend to young adults now. I am quite surprised how everyone was like in this fucking marathon try to win this competition of who married first. Okay obviously korg nak cakap biarlah their jodoh. Okay i don't against anyone who married that already have career and have some stability in life. Tapi yg tak stable tu, isn't it's a gamble to married at such a young age. Marriage needs compromise and it does comes along with a bigger responsibilities. I just can't see myself getting married now and still doesn't see myself to be responsible for my family. I would say yang nak cepat2 nak kawin awal ni a bit gatal hahaha. Idk i just see a lot of broken marriage infront of me. So idk. It's tough. 2 different people coming from different background to live together for freaking years ahead. Making decisions together. Marriage is like getting a housemate, roommate but if we not get along at the end of the day, It's fucked up. This is not renting a flats together and the lease ends in a year. There's no way out.  

Okay I think that's enough for me ranting for young marriages. Im not totally disagree with it but i do feel we need more time to explore our individuality. It's our life, live a little. Hahaha anyway for those who read this please pray for my health and semoga my path is a bit clearer this 2021. It's a rough start i would say. A big of chunks giant stones infront of me that i have to sorted out. Give me courage to go through it. Sekian wassalam. And Malaysia happy quarantine. :)