Thoughts as the eldest sister

Saturday, October 23, 2021 EJ 0 Comments

 Hi All

and Assalamualaikum to whoever read this. 

Lately I have a lot in my mind. So I will update more often. Yeahh It's been better. Pretty calm in my head and my hearts. The homesick is still there pretty much. But much more stabilize.

Well today is a good day. It is my twin little sister birthday. So after 4 years I was born, we got blessed with some really demanding and challenging a pair of twins that I pretty much raised to be decent human beings now. I'll take credits whenever I can Haha. These days I always thought about home. I was actually haven't really spend anything on my sister's birthday before. But I was glad I did this year. I just thought if I was not able to feel happy with my ownself. Let's just give the other happiness -like my own sister. I always like treats them all the time. Give some gift whenever I visited them from New Zealand. But I rarely celebrate their birthday. Because they always keep it down. So I either forget about it or too busy to catch up. I usually focused on my mom's birthday. The house madam boss need to be treated well. So the harmony of the home will kept at it best.😂

Well what I can say about my little twin sister. I don't have much struggles with them tbh growing up together. They were pretty much decent and I believe it was all because of me and my older brother's behaviour who were often can be seen as problematic and a little bit traumatic to them. Yeah me and my brother were the troubles in the family. We were hot-tempered and unable to be controlled. We were both very different and often clashed. So I think my twin sister just decided to be the harmony pillar of the family. Calm and mysterious. When I was young, My mom spend her all attention to my youngest twin sisters. So me and brother often get left out. We were pretty much took care of ourself. And also a lot of time I have to take care of my sister. Considering how asshole and irresponsible my brother can be. Someone need to be the 2nd mom of the family which is myself.

My youngest twin sister always depends on me all the time. And I was that kind of sister that always get worried if they will not eat. So I have to find food. Every morning I ride my bike to hunt for food. My mom and dad were busy working. So that was mostly the routine. Since young, I have to learn to be independent. Yeah that's me. If I waited for my brother to get the food. We were pretty much would be hit by starvation. So yeah. My mum always worried about them. Cause growing up, I don't really see them have many friends. Unlike me who have too many friends and always out exploring the town. So I think me and my mum sometimes worried about their social life. We always encourage them to go out. While my mum set up for me a curfew cause I cannot stop going out. With my sister, my mum force me to take them out. So I was the one who teach them to use public transport- subway and all. 

I was sometimes worried how they will grow up as an adult. Cause they were too dependent on me and my mum. But as I move to another state to study, I realized they were doing alright. They can be an adult. They need to survive somehow. So they have to learn to be independent. So i have faith that they will be alright anywhere they go. My mum on the other hand a bit more protective and also always worried. She have no problem send me off to New Zealand. But I bet she worried if my sister went to KL to hang out. 😂 That's some difference of how my mum treats me and my sister. I've got freedom. I used to feel maybe if my mum a bit protective of me I will be you know not left out. But nahh as I grow older I was just so glad that mum gives me so much freedom. I have so many sheltered friends that have protective parents. It was so heartbreaking to see them have to struggle to get trust from their parents when they were an adult. So I am just glad my mum trust me with my own decision and everything. I don't even thing my mum will let my sister study abroad. There's no way. She was at first a bit hesitate when I told the news about opportunity to study abroad. She even ignore the topic for a week. But you know, I know my way to get what I want hahaha. And I really believe in the back of her mind, She know that I am really capable of that. I told her that she don't have to worry about money. I got full scholarship. I'll get part time job to support myself with the living costs. And I did it. Work so hard that I even can bought flight ticket to visit them every year.

People saw me and told that I am lucky. Well maybe they need to see how I wakeup in the morning go to class and rush to work afterwards till late night every day.With filming and projects going on, it sure was a hell of living. But I manage to survive cause I don't mind some sacrificing to be where I am today. To finish my degree. Even after graduate, I wakeup at 4am everyday to find money to survive living here without financial support from my mum. Cause I promise my mum that if I make risky decisions and I will work hard for it. I work so damn hard to be able to travel and splurge achieving my bucket list and stuff. People don't see that. They just thought that I am such lucky girl with millions in my bank account. The reality is way far from what they see on social media. 😂

Well this post not suppose to be about me but when talking about independence. I am sure can relate. But yeah my sister turns out well. They just finish studies. One just have part time job right now and the other just finish her internship. They're doing alright. I hope so. With this covid just so annoying that I couldn't even visit them. If I dont want to think about anything, I will just fly home at this moment. But yeah I don't know. I'm still trying to hold myself together. I don't know what's for me in life. But I hope I will be happy. Just that.

That's all for todayy. Hope you guys enjoy my writing. See you again 💕