Finding myself again

Thursday, October 21, 2021 EJ 1 Comments

Hi guys

Assalamualaikum :) 

It's been few weeks after the past depression post. I've been better now. Although it was quite hard. I barely holding myself together. I realized that I was too worried about my goals that I forgot my ownself. My own values, my upbringing, even my faith. 

There so many time, I went to the waterfront near my workplace. I sit there alone and starring at people passing by. I see the blue sky and then I just burst into tears. Even while working, I was crying again and again. I was really in an unstable emotional state. The worst part was that I don't understand why I cry. Sometimes i hold my fist to be stabilize my emotion. These days I just write alot. Cause it's the only way for me to express my thoughts. When you talk with people, a lot of times that you afraid they will not understand or they will come with some sorts of judgement. So I know with writing I can let it out without judgement. Be my ownself and embrace my own feelings. I even found new talents while I was in depression mode. I learn to write songs. I found that it was really calming and exciting for me to express myself in my own words. 

I always found music as my company. When I was sad, happy. It always there with me. I love to explore music. I listen to a lot of R&B, indie and rap songs. Maybe live in depression not so bad right? I mean I will never able to let those words come out in form of songs if I am not depressed. I will not able to relate with those feelings. Those words/ lines that I wrote comes from those unknown and complicated thoughts. 

I am actually grateful that I have a good friends surrounded me. That always asked me how am I doing. Although sometimes I just push them away. Or just simply isolate myself. But in the back of my mind. I know they have my back. It's not that I want to push them away, Cause I truly not comfortable to show people this side of me. This unstable and emotional me. Not many people can handle it. So I just keep it to myself most of the time. 

I am trying right now really hard. Im praying harder now. Im looking for inner peace. I hope God will see how hard I want to be me again. All those my upbringing, I will put it back in my heart. I think I forgot too much. I want to explore so much and I forgot the basic. I forgot the foundation. So Im going to start with the basic again. Focus on my relationship with god. Helping people around me. Be kind to one and another. Not to compare your own values and life with others. I know I am different. My thinking, my upbringing, my goals. I know I have so many talents. I know I got skills. I know I'm a good person. I know I really care about people that matters. I hope you won't forget who you are. A girl that can change the world, a girl that can give so much to others, a girl with her new own perspective. 

Your dad is waiting for you at a better place. He is proud of you. He knows his little girl is growing up to be someone that important to the society. He see you girl. From a better place 🙂