Is this the right choice?

Assalamualaikum,

Hi guys what's up 2021? How are you guys doing. The moment i writing this, there's a million things running through my head. I don't know where to start but i will start tell you guys a story.

End of the December of 2020, I was hospitalized because of some sickness. Not gonna expose what was it. Just know I was sick. There's actually a lot happening in December 2020. I was busy working to survive and get enough money to pay rent and to pay for my cost living. Along with the preparation of getting work visa. It's a hell of work. I won't say I'd never get busy like this but this time is really stressing me out. Nothing stressing me out the most when in doubt whether I have enough to cover my living expenses this month. The fact that I haven't got job yet cause job application keep getting rejected because of the visa. I was living my day worried about this stupid shit thousand times a day. And one day I collapsed, got warded for almost a week. When I was sick, I actually very much depressed cause I was all alone. In a place that foreign for me and was far away from my family. What I'm gonna do if it really serious?

When I was in hospital, I tried to be positive and taking care of my health and not thinking about those other shit of problems. I was actually quite happy in the hospital. I being taken care by nice nurse everyday. I was happy. Cause imagine before hospitalized, I was sick for a week like shit. I felt so much depressed, and nobody even asked not even my housemate. That's the most painful things for me. Like make me realized how much family is important to myself. How much I need those support and to know who's by my side. When I got hospitalized, I realized that I still have friends that care about me come to visit after hearing the news. I immediately know who's by my side. But obviously after I've got discharge I have to take care of myself again. You know growing up become independent, yes I am used to take care of myself. But at some point, you reach the exhausting phase. Where you need some dependency. It's human nature you depends on other person when things get rough. 

Sometimes I was wondering am i making a right decision by staying here after graduate. My destiny seems to against me in every path. It just being so incredible hard on everything. All of my plan goes to waste. Is this really worthy? What's next for me? I'm confuse? Is there any rainbows? My plan to stay is because I want to explore the possibilities. It is risky. I don't know if i can say myself a risk taker or not. But when I do something, I will work my ass off to work on it and finish it. I'm willing to take risk because I believe in myself. But because of my situation I start to doubting myself. Can i make it? What's the plan tbh? For now it's a blank canvas. It won't be something if i'm not starting my ass to craft or sketch or at least conceptualize. What's need to be done so when i leave this country i don't have any regrets. Can I capable enough to independently start my own project? And i also have to work to gain money right. Dreams vs reality. It's a tough choice. What is dream anyway? Im living my 25 life and still asking myself what I want to do for living. What will make me feel content and also make me successful and gain a lot of money. Not for myself but for my family and future one. 

I want to at least repay my mum back. That's all I have to do at least. My mum is my inspiration. She's being diligent her whole life. Growing up I have a lot of conflict with her. They way we think doesn't really go a long with each other. Make us always fighting with our own belief. But I realize that she is the perfect mum anyone will asked for. Although we didn't get along much when I was in high school. But now she's my biggest supporters. She always believe in me. Not many "asian" parents will allow their daughter to study film abroad. Like seriously not many. I never heard any of my friends study creative arts except for architecture design abroad. Film is not the ideal career for a lot of parents. I took risk to learn this. For me, i rather learn something i love, than force myself to learn something i know will make a lot of money but i won't feel content with my life. Live with many resentment is not the ideal life that i want to live. It's okay to make a mistake but it's important to rise back on our feet again. My ideal life is to be a career successful women. Of course i want to have a family but i have to patch my career first. Cause I believe in order for my family to be happy, i have to be happy first. 

Im not living my life to be a housewife. A big no. Im not against any housewife out there. What you guys doing is really admirable. it's not easy to sacrifice for the family. And I don't think Im able to do that. I like to be passionate with my job. I don't know if i able to balance my work and my family in future. I won't think that much about cause I don't have anyone pun hahah. And also I won't get married until I really sure with my career path. Im a late bloomer. I bloom late. hahaha. Im not good in dating. I don't know what's needed in relationship. Okay Idk why we're in this topic but I just want to touch some topics about getting married seems like a trend to young adults now. I am quite surprised how everyone was like in this fucking marathon try to win this competition of who married first. Okay obviously korg nak cakap biarlah their jodoh. Okay i don't against anyone who married that already have career and have some stability in life. Tapi yg tak stable tu, isn't it's a gamble to married at such a young age. Marriage needs compromise and it does comes along with a bigger responsibilities. I just can't see myself getting married now and still doesn't see myself to be responsible for my family. I would say yang nak cepat2 nak kawin awal ni a bit gatal hahaha. Idk i just see a lot of broken marriage infront of me. So idk. It's tough. 2 different people coming from different background to live together for freaking years ahead. Making decisions together. Marriage is like getting a housemate, roommate but if we not get along at the end of the day, It's fucked up. This is not renting a flats together and the lease ends in a year. There's no way out.  

Okay I think that's enough for me ranting for young marriages. Im not totally disagree with it but i do feel we need more time to explore our individuality. It's our life, live a little. Hahaha anyway for those who read this please pray for my health and semoga my path is a bit clearer this 2021. It's a rough start i would say. A big of chunks giant stones infront of me that i have to sorted out. Give me courage to go through it. Sekian wassalam. And Malaysia happy quarantine. :)
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The story of my brother

 Hi guys and Assalamualaikum,


Today I want to tell a story that normally I just share it to to my close friends only. But somehow I felt like I want to share it just because it could be something we take as a lesson.

When I was young, I never get along with my older brother. I always get bullied with him. It's not a simple fight, it's more than that. It's very exhausting and mentally disturbing for a young girl. I don't know how i get through it. We've been fighting as long as I can remember. Our age is really close so he always bring me anywhere he went to. I have another twin sister but because of the big gap of age, he never disturb them. 

I still remember the days he bought toy for me, that was the last time he's really felt like a brother to me. When we were in elementary school. It's all started. My brother change when he reached 9 years old and he became naughty and rebellious. We're like a south and north poles, so different. My brother was not very good in academic while I was very excellent in school. I was very quiet at school, don't have many friends jus a few. People will laugh now but I used to be so introvert back in the days. I heard that we can change our personality as we grew up. 

At school, we never greet each other and act like we were strangers. My brother is quite popular at school.  A lot of girls come to me because of that. I really hate it when they compare me and my brother. I used to be very skinny and dark skin. Totally hideous. While my brother was better looking, we looks like we could never be siblings. I still remember my brother will force me to give him my daily allowance so he could bought new games or toys. Otherwise I will get hit. I have no choice as I was very skinny couldn't even fight back. My parents was busy working they never around. At that time, I just pray to god to save me all the time. 

There are many occasion I will run away from home. It's because I'm so exhausted to fight all the time. Get hit by my brother, feeling scared in my own house. They were many times I felt like no one by my side. No one even cares if I'm gone. Being a middle child is really hard. My parents never give attention to me. Because I have younger sister that need them most of the time. So me and my brother always get left aside. But I understand because my sister is younger. I get along pretty well with my sister. Looking back to the memories, sometimes we do laugh about it. But at the time, I was really stress. I really want to run away from everything. I'm glad I still alive now even thought the bullying never stops. When we visit our village, my brother make fun of me all the time in front of all my cousins. He sometimes forced the cousins to talk shit about me. The only thing that I can do was crying or talked back to my brother. I was never a violence person, but my mouth is really rude. Hahahah. This is why we could never get along. 

When we hit puberty it's getting more serious. We still can talk back in elementary school. But in high school, I just stop talking to my brother. I avoid him most of the time. My brother like to skip school. And when my mum find out, he will blame and hit me even I never told my mum. You know mum instinct is so powerful, that they always find out when their children lie to them. I going through my puberty depends on my friends, I could never share problems to my family, I just couldn't trust them. While my brother when hit puberty was really scary. He had bad temper and get very violence. Me and my sister is very scared at him. My parents can never controlled him. I even get slapped by him. I could never fight back cause I'm not strong as him. I have temper too and always talked back. Cause that's the only things I can do to defend myself. Cause no one sided with me after all. I can never complain to my mum about my brother. Because she can never do anything. She's so busy at work to feed us. Because of this, I develop hatred to men. I used to think that men is trash. At school, I don't even talk to guy classmates. Because I think they waste of time. I don't even have guy friends. 

And then when I hit 16, something drastically happen in my life, this has been our turning point for most of us in my family especially my brother. My dad passed away because of sickness. The only men that I love is gone, and never back. At that time, I felt like my world is destroyed. I don't felt the need to study hard anymore. It was useless and meaningless. The reason i study hard because I want to get away from the financial struggles and help my parents but when my dad was gone. I lose my motivation. Then I started to become not so obedient started to skip school, come late to school. I do it about a year. I'm not very good at home. But at school, I care about my academics and behaviour. I tell myself everyday even thought at home my life is a mess, i would never become like them. So i do my best at school for senior year, so i could somehow get away from my family especially my brother. When I was young I resent my parents and my brother a lot, I hate that I'm not born in rich family, hate that I have a brother that is bullying me all the time. My life is full of hatred back then, but looking back now I now know how all these experience taught me about life.

We somehow manage to get over the dark past. Everyone in the family change. My brother start studying in college, and then graduated and started a business. I could never predicted what my brother will do in his life. He's so unpredictable. He has a lot of interest but never stick to it. But he's so determine to change and do it all by himself. He never asked my mum to help his business. I started to gain respect to my brother because of that. I was worried of him at the beginning because he was not good in academics and he quit doing sports after my dad passed away. But he somehow found his way. I started my college years and graduated. Now I move to New Zealand to pursue my degree. While I'm gone, situation at home is getting better. My sister become more independent when they used to depends on me all the time. Then, they graduated school and pursue diploma. Everyone in the family somehow found their path. My mum getting so much happier now and less stress. We somehow manage to get over the financial struggles. I used to not want them as my family but now I'm so proud of everyone of them.  I want to be by their side for the rest of my life. Now I know that happiness comes with little things, sometimes it closer than it looks. For example, your family. You don't have to be rich to feel that. Did I told you guys, my brother is married now and he's got kid. hahahaha. I love her wife as she's very kind. His wife is like a bridge that connects my brother with his family. My brother getting more soft now. Their son is adorable too and I couldn't help to smile every single time. I used to not want to even talk about my brother but now I want to brag about him. Cause I know he's being through a lot to come to this stage. We know now that we will have each other back. But we still felt awkward sometimes around each other. We worked on it but takes time. Only now I did realize why he always disturb me all the time. It's because he also get lonely as the he's the only boy in the family. In my life, there is a lot of ups and down but I know that it makes who I am today and I don't have regrets. It used to be painful but now it's meaningful. I want to tell this story because sometimes we felt like it's the end of the world there but there is hope. Time can only tell, you just need to believe it. Also just to clarify, I don't hate men anymore hahaha.Thanks for reading this. Hope you all get motivated. Love EJ :)
#myfamily #siblingsfight #truestory #childhoodnightmare
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Nak buat apa after graduate? Impian yang terpendam

Assalamualaikum semua,

Hai pembaca blogku yang menantikan post terbaruku (hahaha ada ke?),
TBH aku tak tau lah blog aku ni banyak visitor ke tak, but mostly people visited my old post like the KPTM and IELTS experience one. Banyak DM aku kat FB or IG tanya itu ini. Aku layan je diorang ni bagi advice and share experience aku, rasalah jugak diri ini berguna pasa masyarakat hahaha. Btw disclaimer kat sini, this post was written few months ago but today i thought i want to write something but aku dah ada post yg tak publish lagi haha. So I will just add some of my points here and there. 
Soooo hari ni, aku nak sembang pasal apa plan aku lepas graduate nanti, mana yang tak tau aku ni adalah salah seorang pelajar di bumi yang jauh isolated from the rest of the world konon iaitu New Zealand. New Zealand adalah negara yang sangat kaya dengan keindahan semulajadi yang tidak mampu digambarkan dengan kata-kata. I found some of my best view i have ever seen in my life here in New Zealand. Jadi tidak salahlah keputusan aku 2 tahun lepas untuk berhijrah ke negara ni untuk sambung study walaupun pada mulanya tidak dipersetujui oleh ibuku. Tapi dengan azam yang tinggi dan lepas pujuk rayu, akhirnya aku terbang ke bumi kenyalang ini. eh salah bukan bumi burung kiwi ini. Btw, aku datang sini pun sebab aku ditawarkan tawaran untuk sambung belajar kat sini. jadi bermulalah pengembaraan manusia betubuh bulat seperti potato iaitu aku di sini.


Sejak aku duduk sini, banyak aku belajar pasal life values. Like hidup ni bukan semata kau nak kejar kekayaan je ada banyak lagi values yang menyebabkan kau rasa nak hidup. Orang kat sini pun biasalah diorg pun macam kat Malaysia gak risau dengan career diorang after graduate nanti. Kadang-kadang aku tertanya apa yang aku inginkan sebenarnya dalam hidup ni. Adakah aku nak follow dogma yang masyarakat dah terapkan dalam minda kita sejak kecil iaitu kena belajar, sambung belajar, kena kahwin, ada family, beli rumah and so on or aku nak bina sendiri jalan yang mungkin sedikit berbeza dari jalan yang orang biasa lalui. Btw aku tak terasa nak beli rumah hahaha. Cause I feel like i will somehow live a nomad life. Biarlah future husband aku belikan nanti itupun kalau aku kawin hahaha. Sometimes terpikir gak aku akan rasa kepuasan ke if kerja dalam bidang apa yang aku belajar ni. Kenapa aku fikir semua ni sebabnya biasalah orang yang dah nak graduate so ada banyak yang bermain di pikiran ahahaha. To be really honest, I felt like Im just scared with my future. Because it's unexpectable. Anything can drastically change depends on how you live your life. Humans tend to afraid with things they don't know well, things they don't really familiar with. 
So sekarang ni aku dah pun di tahun akhir di university, aku tengah work on this one major project for my final year. Aku buat documentary pasal investigative series of fashion sustainability in New Zealand. So memang sekarang ni adalah masa agak crucial bagi aku. Sebenarnya aku tak pernah terbayang aku akan minat untuk buat documentary, tak pernah terlintas dalam plan hidup aku pun. Tapi makin lama aku belajar filmmaking, the interest keep on growing in this particular field. Like aku rasa kalau aku nak pursue filming aku nak buat documentary aku tak kisah travel ke kawasan pedalaman ke or berminggu-minggu untuk create this content. Aku minat nak guna platform aku sekarang ni to get the unheard voice to be heard. Aku ada plan jugak dengan member rapat aku untuk possibly start our own non profitable organization teaching kids in school creative skills yang aku ada sekarang. Kawan-kawan aku pun macam bersepah in macam macam industry. So hopefully 1 hari nanti aku dapat make this dream come true. Aku tak tau kenapa tapi aku rasa macam tanggungjawab aku untuk giving back to society. Dengan opportunity yang diberikan pada aku untuk study abroad banyak habiskan duit rakyat malaysia hahah yang bayar cukai. Terima kasih anda semua. Jasamu dikenang. Aku saje share niat aku dalam blog ni sebab apa yang aku hasratkan bila aku letak dalam blog ni dia jadi kenyataan hahaha. Macam aku ada buat post impian sambung belajar previous few years, and tengoklah sekarang aku kat mana. 
Aku rasa macam ada sebab kenapa aku yang dipilih untuk datang ke sini, belajar filmmaking pulak tu. Aku tak tau lepas habis study aku nak stay sini lagi ke or nak balik Malaysia. Actually I thought i wanna go home right away after graduate but because of Covid I might just stay to see if i got the opportunity to work on a another project. Cause recently i worked on a documentary project in collaboration with High commision about independence day with Malaysian community in Wellington. It was really fun and exciting moment for me, definitely. That was the first documentary film that I ever directed. That was the first step of me taking charge of producing film. Normally aku macam sidekick je, cause truthfully aku insecure dengan diri sendiri when it comes to filmmaking. Obviously I still have a lot to learn. But definitely got significant improve. And turns out the project yg aku buat tu, got very positive feedback from the students and malaysian community here. I'm so fucking proud of myself. Sebab okay imagine eh normally a documentary project took a year to produce. Got research and pre production, production stage, post production all together. It's a long and complicated process. Tapi sebab the officer malaysia yg pitch this idea bagi short notice, aku try jugak gather a team to film and edit this project within a month. Super tight and hectic schedule. At the same time I still haven't finish working on my FYP major project which is a documentary series as well. Imagine the level of stress I have, tapi sebab this kind of opportunity kinda rare sbb susah tau kalau kau nak buat sendiri your own documentary. Thankfully because we have support of High commision Malaysia there, we've got to interview influential figures of Malaysian in Wellington. Kalau buat sendiri mana nak dpt contact orang2 ni. So grateful for this. And I learn a lot from this seriously. Since aku sorang je student film, I have to teach other fellow team members who are not familiar with production gear and process from scratch. Professional way. So much challenging but definitely worth it. Cause nothing beats the satisfied feeling when you see everyone passionate to making this film happening. To be able to teach them the real production process, it's been an honourable experience for me. One thing I learned about making documentary is how you actually represent the people you have interview in your film. I hold the power to visually represent them and obviously i could also tweak the message they send through in the editing process. So as media practitioner, i have to be extra careful in delivering those messages. As orang yang direct film ni aku boleh choose apa content yang aku nak display and apa yang aku taknak. So aku kena make a very hard decision in terms of that and normally tak semua puas hati dgn decision yg aku buat tu. Basically aku nak cakap yang media hold the power to influence society, so aku kena be fair in representing these people in the eye of public. Not to be biased and let the judgement comes from the audience.



Tbh kan kalau aku balik Malaysia pun aku tak terasa nak terus cari kerja hahaha sebab tah lah ada 1 benda ni aku nak try and dah lama sebenarnya pasang hasrat. Sebelum aku settle down betul2 nak kerja tetap (mungkin) atau maybe aku change direction along the way mungkin aku decide untuk hidup nomad hahaha idk weh. Aku macam nak explore buat volunteer work abroad, citernya aku memang minat travel tapi setakat ni aku selalu travel dengan orang malaysia je so aku rasa macam still dalam comfort zone lagi. Even dah duduk sini pun duduk ngan org Malaysia. Aku cakap ngan diri aku nak keluar and explore bila study abroad tapi tak semudah yang aku sangka. Aku ada je kawan kiwi, vietnam, china, thailand. Tapi kawan yang takde la nak sampai sleepover tidur rumah dia hahaha gitu. Travel sepatutnya kau kena macam get understanding of their culture and to do that, you have to talk with locals tapi kalau kau dah sentiasa dgn malaysian je bilanya nak keluar dari comfort zone. Sebab tulah aku rasa nak cuba cara lain of travelling with volunteer work and possibly dapat free accommodation and food. Sebenarnya kan kalau aku tak datang NZ untuk bljr aku ada plan nak coachsurfing kat sini hahahaha. Like tumpang rumah host kat sini and pergi travel solo. Tapi tu la aku takde lagi keberanian untuk travel solo. Aku dah 24 sekarang tapi aku still ada ketakutan dalam diri ni. Biasalah manusia dia takut dengan benda yang dia tak tau. Padahal takde pape pun, tapi sebab banyak sangat yang kita pikir dalam kepala membuatkan kita takut.


 Bagi aku kan, aku takde lah nak hidup ni mewah kaya raya kereta lamborghini takde lah. Dulu aku materialistik guys aku nak kaya sebab bagi aku duit boleh solve banyak masalah hahaha masa ni noob. Sebab aku datang dari family yang sederhana and selalu struggle dengan duit. Tapi sejak ayah aku meninggal, banyak yang aku reflect dengan values hidup aku. And makin besar aku sedar yang bahagia tu tak datang dengan berapa banyak duit dalam akaun bank kau. It comes with small little things you have now. You have family by your side and friends to support you. Ni semua nikmat sebenarnya yang most of us take for granted. Bila dia pergi baru kita rasa ohhh dia la yang penyeri hidup kita yang buat kita bahagia. But cause we tend to chase things that we don't really have, kita lupa apa yang kita dah ada dalam tangan. Korang yang baca coretan aku ni cari lah values hidup korang awal awal jangan dah tua baru nak sedar oh aku taknak hidup macam sekarang. Like tanya balik apa yang kau nk sebenarnya dalam hidup ni? Cuba bayangkan kau pesakit cancer stage 4 and kau ada beberapa bulan nak hidup, apa yang kau nak cuba kecapi dalam masa ni. Maybe masa kau sihat terlalu busy dengan kerja sampai semua impian kau letak ketepi sebab kau choose hidup yang play safe or stable in other words. 
Aku rasa aku banyak sangat interest hahaha. Aku banyak berangan sebenarnya. Aku berangan nak belajar instrument, nak perform atas stage, nak buat youtube, berangan nak travel solo abroad, berangan nak belajar martial arts hahaha - niat mula2 sebab nak defend diri dari kena buli abang aku. Tapi tulah aku dah menginjak ke pertengahan 20-an so aku tak tau sempat ke lagi aku nak buat semua ni before aku betul2 settle down. Hahah dengan impian aku yang banyak ni aku tak tau la aku akan jumpa life partner and settle down ke tak hahaha. Sebab aku ni suka ikut kepala sendiri. Kalau aku nak buat sesuatu aku just go for it. Yass guys I have been single since born. True sad story, no experience hahah. Kadang-kadang tengok cousin aku yang much younger than me lagi power, boyfriend bersepah. Nak buat macam mana, my mind sometimes complicated tak semua orang faham. Aku rasa aku not bad hahaha tapi well tak tau lah apa yang lelaki cari sebenarnya. Adakah mereka nak perempuan yang tak independent? Hahah tetiba masuk soal cinta. Dah cukup. My luck memang takde in love or relationship. Orang cakap perempuan yang berjaya selalu kawin lambat. That might as well to be true. I guess i will be the one who live by that sayings. Takpe la rezeki orang berbeza. Rezeki comes in different kind of form or path. Just doakan rezeki aku melimpah ruah and semoga aku jumpa jalan hidup yang aku masih struggle nak jumpa ni. Tu je kot coretan single aku di covid ni. Insyaallah next post aku akan cuba memberikan lebih informasi terbaik untuk para pembaca yang disayangi. Bye korang ~


Support youtube channel aku kat sini. Got few small content that I produce.  Follow sis kat iG:
Youtube : Eqa Jamal

Kalau nak dm aku nak borak feel free to do so. If I have free time, definitely will talk to you guys. 
Peace out !
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Berat kau berapa? Beauty standard yang lapuk


Assalamualaikum,

 Hi korang semua yang sudi membaca blog ini. Tajuk blog ni kan macam agak macam controversial hahah and mungkin sensitif tapi aku kan nak share sikit apa aku rasa pasal beauty standard ni.
Hari ni kan aku tengok 1 video kat 1 variety show korea ni cakap pasal beauty standard. Ada seorang mamat ni dia pergi show tu and talk about how fat her sister is walaupun kakak dia tak gemuk. Aku tak tau la maybe sebab korean culture yang sangat mementingkan visual ni and how you must be skinny to be define as pretty terutamanya untuk girls la. Sebelum aku ulas lebih lanjut lagi issue ni, aku nak terangkan apa itu beauty standard.

 Definition :

 The feminine beauty ideal is "the socially constructed notion that physical attractiveness is one of women's most important assets, and something all women should strive to achieve and maintain".
So kat sini dia cakap "socially constructed" okay means beauty standard ni berbeza dari mana kau tinggal. Contoh aku from Malaysia and yang aku rasa telah menjadi norm untuk masyarakat kita definisikan cantik tu dengan formula ni:

 1) Kulit kena putih gebu
2) Badan kena kurus
3) Kulit wajib licin

 Ni adalah some of criteria nak menjadi cantik dalam buku orang malaysia. Aku rasa bukan negara aku je but from other asian countries jugak. Honestly aku pun dulu pikir kalau kita nak di identify sebagai cantik, kena guna this formula. 
Tapi kenapa kita at the first place have to start this ideology ni sedangkan orang malaysia sendiri kulitnya memang bukan originally putih gebu macam kulit mat saleh apa semua. Bukan ke kulit org malaysia ni pelbagai range. Kalau melayu kuning langsat, kalau cina kulit cerah, kalau india kulit gelap. Kenapa kita tak create sendiri beauty standard tu based on our original skin colour. So aku sedar manusia ni nak something yang dorang tak boleh dapat. So aku konklusikan, beauty standard adalah something yang mustahil manusia boleh kecapi. Kenapa aku cakap macam ni, sebab kita dimomokkan dengan formula ni oleh masyarakat kita sendiri and also from media jugak yang sentiasa guna model kulit putih, kurus. Korang tau tak mat saleh diorang nak kulit gelap. Beauty standard diorang adalah, kulit tanned, big boobs, big butt, tiny waist, badan curvy. So kat sini diorang nak kulit kita and kita nak kulit diorang. Nampak tak the situation sekarang. 
Masa aku kat Malaysia dulu, aku selalu rasa self conscious bila tengok diri kat cermin. Sebab apa? Sebab dari aku kecik sampailah besar, orang sentiasa comment about how I looked. Let me tell you a story, aku masa kecik dulu kurus kering gila, pastu hitam gelap. Bila tengok balik gambar aku masa kecik, aku tak selalu senyum sebab aku benci the way i looked. Aku selalu tanya kenapa aku kulit aku gelap dari adik beradik? Kenapa i look different from them. Bayangkan ye seorang budak sekolah rendah boleh fikir benda ni semua. Aku selalui diejek oleh family ku sendiri. Even orang cakap asal aku tak macam adik adikku yang putih cerah apa semua tu. Apatah lagi nak dipuji cantik memang tak. So i live my whole life thinking that Im not pretty. Aku bukan golongan CANTIK itu.
Sekarang ni bila aku keluar duduk negara orang diselaputi lautan mat saleh ni aku sedar yang bila kau semua look the same. Means bila society around kita tu kulit putih, so diorang takde la desire untuk lebih putih. So kat sana hanya dengan berkulit putih, kau takleh define sebagai cantik in their standard. Sebenarnya mat saleh ni dia nampak cantik sebab bila dia datang negara kita contohnya. Of course la diorang nampak lawa sebab muka org malaysia tak macam diorang. Sebab diorang punya features semua berbeza. Tapi bila diorg kat negara sendiri tak semestinya diorg tu category cantik. Paham tak apa yang aku cuba sampaikan. Macam kt New Zealand ni, diorang rasa perempuan asia tu lawa bukan southeast asia tapi asia belah2 cina, korea tu. Sebab selalunya orang asia ni lambat aging. Aku tengok budak-budak kat sini umur baru 19-20 dah macam kita umur 25-26. Nampak matured diorang ni. 
So aku buat konklusi yang beauty standard ni bullshit sebenarnya. It just a way to convince ourselves if we somehow achieve this formula, then we will be considered as pretty. So sekarang ni aku rasa aku makin chubby, kulit aku masih gelap tapi aku lagi rasa happy diri aku sekarang compare masa aku kurus dulu. Kenapa? Sebab aku dah boleh embrace colour kulit aku. Aku sendiri start nampak the beauty of dark skin. Patut lah orang cakap hitam manis. Dulu aku tak suka terms ni sekarang aku dah paham. So maksudnya hanya dengan kurus or how cerah kulit kau tak menjamin kebahagiaan kau or macam mana orang layan kau. Kalau kita kejar this beauty standard ni sampai bila kita tak menang. Kita yang kena accept ourselves tu baru kita boleh menang. Kita yang kena embrance our skin colour and our body shape. Aku kenal ramai sangat orang yang identified sebagai lawa, cantik apa semua ni tapi masih self conscious dengan diri sendiri. Masih obses how they look all the time. Sampai kita lupa apa lagi value kita sebagai seorang manusia. Aku takdelah cakap sekarang oh aku perfect sekarang takde flaws apa semua. Bukan itu ye aku cuba sampaikan. 
But now aku dah tak mind my skin colour malah aku embrace it. Aku bangga sebab colour kulit aku menjadikan siapa diri aku. Sekarang takde sape lagi cakap aku hitam ke apa. Sebab maybe orang dah tau aku tak kisah dah pasal tu. Benda yang masih buat aku self conscious adalah badan aku. Aku masih berlawan dengan diri sendiri pasal ni, aku cuba ubah mindset ni tapi tak mudah bila orang sentiasa talk about it. Aku tau kalau aku kurus pun orang akan bercakap jugak. So aku tak tau nak buat apa. Aku pun masih cari value hidup aku. 
Benda yang semua wanita sentiasa conscious, tak kisahlah dia kurus ke gemuk ke iaitu berat badan. Okay bagi aku la kan kalau seorang wanita tu tinggi dia 165cm takkan la berat dia kena 45kg kan? First of all macam gila je kalau orang expect perempuan punya berat takleh lebih 50kg. Kalau umur 20-an takkan la still nak bawah 50kg. Untuk budak sekolah boleh la. Aku ada kawan yang bila dia 47kg pun still nak turun lagi berat badan. And berat makin berumur memang akan naik. It's a fact. Sebab faktor umur, stress, pemakanan and banyak lagi. Kalau korang nak kurus aku tak kisah tapi jangan letak nombor sebagai judgement menentukan oh dia ni gemuk bla bla bla. And 1 lagi nak cakap sikit hahaha, kalau jumpa kawan lama or someone dah lama tak jumpa, memang perlu cakap pasal berat ke? or how fat you looking now. Kau tau tak aku ni dari kecik kena hadap benda ni. Bayangkan aku dulu kurus kering tau, so of course la bila aku berat macam normal pun orang cakap aku gemuk. So aku kena sentiasa hadap komen pedas macam asal kau makin besar? Asal kau makin tembam? Asal makin gemuk? Kadang aku ni rasa macam tikus makmal pulak. Nak tau kenapa? sebab aku pernah kurus, hitam, berjerawat. Cakap je apa semua yang orang rasa buruk tu aku ada. So bila hadap orang macam ni aku selalu buat muka straight face or acah-acah macam aku okay dengan gurauan tu. Every single time weh pergi rumah sedara mara. Takde topik lain ke masyarakat kita ni boleh cakap selain benda tu. Aku tau aku look macam mana, and you don't have to remind me all the time. 
Aku faham korang rasa benda ni macam norm but sampai bila society kita kena teruskan legasi ni? This rude comments got to stop. Seriously benda macam ni la yg membuatkan orang ada masalah self conscious and mental health. Kalau ye pun dia gemuk or makin berisi ke apa. Kau boleh keep it inside kan? I get it orang kadang terlepas tapi apa manfaatnya pun kalau kita mention pasal benda ni kat orang tu? Itulah melayu la terutamanya namanya je muslim tapi kadang takde adab. Aku rasa orang kiwi sini pun tak cakap pasal benda tu bila jumpa kawan diorg or family lama tak jumpa sebab bagi diorg benda tu rude. Apatah lagi kalau cakap pasal colour kulit lagi lah dianggap racist. Aku faham benda ni tak boleh diubah sekelip mata. Like it's been there for generation tak mudah untuk ubah. Lagi-lagi makcik pakcik kita yang memang suka sangat komen pasla benda ni. Sebab tu bila aku borak dengan kawan kawan perempuan aku, aku akan cuba share insight aku pasal beauty standard. 
Okay fuh done hahaha. Aku rasa tu je kot aku nak sembang hari ni hahaha. Boleh tahan panjang tapi aku harap coretan ni boleh ubah sedikit sebanyak apa korang rasa pasal benda ni. First step, embrace yourself. Okay guys bye see you in next post.






Apa itu beauty standard
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