Hi guys,

Assalamualaikum lama gak sebenarnya tak update blog. It's been pretty good for me lately. Not like anything big but positive feelings and energy surrounded me. Really thankful for that. So after so long finally I feel like really motivated to do stuff again. Like any stuff

When i flashback to those 3 months of depressing thoughts and unmotivated days. Fuhh I finally can say that I somehow know how to overcome it. Like mundane life is not for me. I hate to live and do the same thing everyday. Gotta be honest I'm fucking hate that. So to coming back to my real self. Aku actually try alot of things. Aku change my routine. Kerja tu kerja but i don't focus on the kerja that aku buat sekarang. Sebab the job itself is depressing so I fill my week with activities. I cannot jump into my old very social life balik. Because it's too much and I cannot handle many people at one time banyak2. Because aku pun baru nak recover with my mental health but I am slowly coming back but with more stability and positive energy. What i did instead, I explore activities with myself that I can enjoy without thinking of anything. I find small circle to explore that just to add a little bit fun. 

You know just things that i will never do or just so afraid to do. Like dance and fitness in general. Aku memang suka dance tapi bodo bodo la.. Never to the point that I want to improve in it. But since I started working this job. Actually i lose some weigh sikit so easier for me to kinda move. I really enjoy dance, it does make my daily life fun and energetic. Plus the dance itself really improve my mood. And it just make me feel really good about myself. These days I spend alot of time to plan what I want to do on the weekend. Im so excited when coming to weekend now. Cause I always do something. Right now we just casually start our badminton group for beginners weekly. For now just within our small circle of friends. But well at least, we do something over the weekend. And also it so much fun to do sports with your friends. Anyway all my friends here is so active. That actually really encourage to be more aware of my fitness. I used to spend my weekend at home doing nothing. But with summer coming, I'm just so excited to plan activities to do over the weekend. I really want to feel motivated again. Although i stop looking for jobs because I get so anxiety about it. I tried to take care of my body and my mental health and just generally improve my mood so I can be positive. Im so happy that my flatmates love to join me do activities. I plan on hiking, and badminton play and also I casually joining dance fitness class at local gym in the city. I want to fill my week with activities just you know try to improve stamina and all. On top of that I did some yoga at home to improve my posture and flexibility. For now I just did it alone at home but hopefully in future I will be able to join class in the city.

Actually kat wellington ni there is alot of thing to explore. Like I can join any class I wanted. It's unlimited things to try. And there is so many community support whatever you have interested in. It makes me wondering why I never tried that before. I have lived here for 3.5 years and baru sekarang I really explore this city and try to enjoy different stuff kat sini. Yeahh I am trying really hard right now to find the reason to stay. I am questioning myself everyday about my decision to stay for another year. I am trying to prove myself that there is more this city could give to me. And I shouldn't stop now. I will leave this place when the right time coming. And when me as a person have fully grown with potential and opportunities. It always anxious how the life will turns out. But idk everyone going through it right? Like the process to patch your life. 

Hari tu aku ada like really deep talk with a good friend of mine. Like you know we talked alot and he said this words that one of the thing Im holding to right now. " I am in a good place". A place that I have control of my own will. No one holding me back. Im not saying Malaysia is not a good place but I couldn't say Malaysia is a better place than now. I couldn't see my future yet if I go home without pushing my potential to the extend. I know myself. Im very goal oriented. I will do whatever I want even though it looks like impossible to other people. I just need to believe in myself and have support from people that matters. Everytime i called my mum. She keep asking me to go home. To settle in Malaysia. But yeah my ambition is just to keep exploring. I want to find my own values. I want to find myself and figure out the life I wanted. When i finally find it i know I can be better person from today and do a lot of goods to my family and the society. I dont know when will I found what I wanted. But I know one thing I am ready to explore and going through this adventure. I will show it to my mum.. That this would be worthy. 

Pray for my journey dipermudahkan. I really dont know if anyone baca blog aku ni hahaha. But I just really want to share it in this blog cause this is important moment in my life. To move forward. Good luck to me 😊

 Hi All

and Assalamualaikum to whoever read this. 

Lately I have a lot in my mind. So I will update more often. Yeahh It's been better. Pretty calm in my head and my hearts. The homesick is still there pretty much. But much more stabilize.

Well today is a good day. It is my twin little sister birthday. So after 4 years I was born, we got blessed with some really demanding and challenging a pair of twins that I pretty much raised to be decent human beings now. I'll take credits whenever I can Haha. These days I always thought about home. I was actually haven't really spend anything on my sister's birthday before. But I was glad I did this year. I just thought if I was not able to feel happy with my ownself. Let's just give the other happiness -like my own sister. I always like treats them all the time. Give some gift whenever I visited them from New Zealand. But I rarely celebrate their birthday. Because they always keep it down. So I either forget about it or too busy to catch up. I usually focused on my mom's birthday. The house madam boss need to be treated well. So the harmony of the home will kept at it best.😂

Well what I can say about my little twin sister. I don't have much struggles with them tbh growing up together. They were pretty much decent and I believe it was all because of me and my older brother's behaviour who were often can be seen as problematic and a little bit traumatic to them. Yeah me and my brother were the troubles in the family. We were hot-tempered and unable to be controlled. We were both very different and often clashed. So I think my twin sister just decided to be the harmony pillar of the family. Calm and mysterious. When I was young, My mom spend her all attention to my youngest twin sisters. So me and brother often get left out. We were pretty much took care of ourself. And also a lot of time I have to take care of my sister. Considering how asshole and irresponsible my brother can be. Someone need to be the 2nd mom of the family which is myself.

My youngest twin sister always depends on me all the time. And I was that kind of sister that always get worried if they will not eat. So I have to find food. Every morning I ride my bike to hunt for food. My mom and dad were busy working. So that was mostly the routine. Since young, I have to learn to be independent. Yeah that's me. If I waited for my brother to get the food. We were pretty much would be hit by starvation. So yeah. My mum always worried about them. Cause growing up, I don't really see them have many friends. Unlike me who have too many friends and always out exploring the town. So I think me and my mum sometimes worried about their social life. We always encourage them to go out. While my mum set up for me a curfew cause I cannot stop going out. With my sister, my mum force me to take them out. So I was the one who teach them to use public transport- subway and all. 

I was sometimes worried how they will grow up as an adult. Cause they were too dependent on me and my mum. But as I move to another state to study, I realized they were doing alright. They can be an adult. They need to survive somehow. So they have to learn to be independent. So i have faith that they will be alright anywhere they go. My mum on the other hand a bit more protective and also always worried. She have no problem send me off to New Zealand. But I bet she worried if my sister went to KL to hang out. 😂 That's some difference of how my mum treats me and my sister. I've got freedom. I used to feel maybe if my mum a bit protective of me I will be you know not left out. But nahh as I grow older I was just so glad that mum gives me so much freedom. I have so many sheltered friends that have protective parents. It was so heartbreaking to see them have to struggle to get trust from their parents when they were an adult. So I am just glad my mum trust me with my own decision and everything. I don't even thing my mum will let my sister study abroad. There's no way. She was at first a bit hesitate when I told the news about opportunity to study abroad. She even ignore the topic for a week. But you know, I know my way to get what I want hahaha. And I really believe in the back of her mind, She know that I am really capable of that. I told her that she don't have to worry about money. I got full scholarship. I'll get part time job to support myself with the living costs. And I did it. Work so hard that I even can bought flight ticket to visit them every year.

People saw me and told that I am lucky. Well maybe they need to see how I wakeup in the morning go to class and rush to work afterwards till late night every day.With filming and projects going on, it sure was a hell of living. But I manage to survive cause I don't mind some sacrificing to be where I am today. To finish my degree. Even after graduate, I wakeup at 4am everyday to find money to survive living here without financial support from my mum. Cause I promise my mum that if I make risky decisions and I will work hard for it. I work so damn hard to be able to travel and splurge achieving my bucket list and stuff. People don't see that. They just thought that I am such lucky girl with millions in my bank account. The reality is way far from what they see on social media. 😂

Well this post not suppose to be about me but when talking about independence. I am sure can relate. But yeah my sister turns out well. They just finish studies. One just have part time job right now and the other just finish her internship. They're doing alright. I hope so. With this covid just so annoying that I couldn't even visit them. If I dont want to think about anything, I will just fly home at this moment. But yeah I don't know. I'm still trying to hold myself together. I don't know what's for me in life. But I hope I will be happy. Just that.

That's all for todayy. Hope you guys enjoy my writing. See you again 💕

Hi guys

Assalamualaikum :) 

It's been few weeks after the past depression post. I've been better now. Although it was quite hard. I barely holding myself together. I realized that I was too worried about my goals that I forgot my ownself. My own values, my upbringing, even my faith. 

There so many time, I went to the waterfront near my workplace. I sit there alone and starring at people passing by. I see the blue sky and then I just burst into tears. Even while working, I was crying again and again. I was really in an unstable emotional state. The worst part was that I don't understand why I cry. Sometimes i hold my fist to be stabilize my emotion. These days I just write alot. Cause it's the only way for me to express my thoughts. When you talk with people, a lot of times that you afraid they will not understand or they will come with some sorts of judgement. So I know with writing I can let it out without judgement. Be my ownself and embrace my own feelings. I even found new talents while I was in depression mode. I learn to write songs. I found that it was really calming and exciting for me to express myself in my own words. 

I always found music as my company. When I was sad, happy. It always there with me. I love to explore music. I listen to a lot of R&B, indie and rap songs. Maybe live in depression not so bad right? I mean I will never able to let those words come out in form of songs if I am not depressed. I will not able to relate with those feelings. Those words/ lines that I wrote comes from those unknown and complicated thoughts. 

I am actually grateful that I have a good friends surrounded me. That always asked me how am I doing. Although sometimes I just push them away. Or just simply isolate myself. But in the back of my mind. I know they have my back. It's not that I want to push them away, Cause I truly not comfortable to show people this side of me. This unstable and emotional me. Not many people can handle it. So I just keep it to myself most of the time. 

I am trying right now really hard. Im praying harder now. Im looking for inner peace. I hope God will see how hard I want to be me again. All those my upbringing, I will put it back in my heart. I think I forgot too much. I want to explore so much and I forgot the basic. I forgot the foundation. So Im going to start with the basic again. Focus on my relationship with god. Helping people around me. Be kind to one and another. Not to compare your own values and life with others. I know I am different. My thinking, my upbringing, my goals. I know I have so many talents. I know I got skills. I know I'm a good person. I know I really care about people that matters. I hope you won't forget who you are. A girl that can change the world, a girl that can give so much to others, a girl with her new own perspective. 

Your dad is waiting for you at a better place. He is proud of you. He knows his little girl is growing up to be someone that important to the society. He see you girl. From a better place 🙂